Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, December 15, 2011 7:02 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tim Tebow will lead the Denver Broncos against the New England Patriots Sunday in their greatest challenge this year. He has everyone believing they can win. Before last Sunday’s game, Tim Tebow had a little talk with Jesus, and Jesus walked away a better man.
North Dakota police used a Predator drone this week to catch a farm family stealing six cows. The crime was inevitable. Butter is selling for five hundred dollars a pound in Norway, and cows won’t be safe as long as they’re yielding more than money market accounts.
The Supreme Court agreed to rule on Arizona’s right to apprehend illegal aliens. It’s in flux. The White House defended illegal aliens until yesterday when the president of Mexico volunteered to do President Obama’s job for five dollars an hour under the table.
President Obama told CBS’s 60 Minutes Sunday he sees himself as the captain of a ship that’s going through a violent storm. The captain has a solution. He wants the people in first class to give their tickets to the people in third class so that we can all die second class.
Lindsay Lohan’s nude spread in Playboy magazine hit the newsstands Tuesday. The next day she reported someone took ten thousand dollars cash out of her purse. She must’ve been drunk or high when Mitt Romney bet her she couldn’t keep her clothes on for a year.
John Corzine told Congress he doesn’t know what happened to investors’ lost billions when he ran MF Global. He was a Goldman Sachs CEO, a governor and senator. He’s so concerned about going to jail he just called a restaurant to ask what wine goes with slop.
Gary Busey announced in Hollywood he is endorsing former speaker Newt Gingrich for president. His endorsement could hurt Gingrich more than it helps. This could end up being the first time in history a presidential candidate assassinates a crazed bystander.
   Fed Ex and UPS reported doing double their usual holiday business thanks to all the online shopping this year. Deliveries are way up. Rolling Stone magazine told readers that Saturday is the best day of the year to send drugs through the mail and not get caught.
Tulsa police arrested a woman last Friday for cooking up crystal meth in the aisle of a local Wal-Mart. She mixed the ingredients taken right off the shelves and lighted it up in a mason jar. She is charged with selling something in Wal-Mart that is made in America.
N.Y. Yankees star Derek Jeter was reported Tuesday to be sending his one-night stands home the next day with autographed baseballs. What a great sport. So many women are seen going in and out of his condo that his building was re-named the House that Ruth Runs.
Newt Gingrich agreed to an Iowa conservative group’s request that he sign a pledge promising not to cheat on his wife Callista. They made everyone agree to behave. Mitt Romney signed a pledge not to lay off any workers and Rick Perry pledged Beta Theta Pi.
 Iowa hosts a GOP presidential debate on Fox News tonight from Sioux City. This state forces candidates to be more socially conservative. Newt Gingrich just signed a pledge vowing to be faithful to his wife, resulting in Tiffany’s having to lay off the entire night shift.
   Geneva nuclear physicists reported research on sub-atomic particles Tuesday which could explain the origin of the universe. The atomic substance is called the God particle. Its existence explains mysteries like why atoms have weight and how Denver keeps winning.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 12.15.11

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