Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, December 14, 2011 7:02 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama vowed to delay his vacation until Congress agrees to raise taxes on the rich to extend payroll tax cuts. Democrats insist they don’t mind success as long as it’s shared. They want Tim Tebow to give away two games a year in the name of equality.
Tim Tebow led the Denver Broncos to their sixth straight come-from-behind victory Sunday over the Chicago Bears. He’s now the number-one topic at the water cooler in the country. Tim Tebow is the most talked-about white Bronco since the O.J. Simpson chase.
The Supreme Court agreed to rule on Arizona’s right to apprehend illegal aliens and deport them. The U.S. is challenging Arizona. The Justice Department says asking people for their papers is fascism, however Arizonans are quick to point out that it’s a dry fascism.
Lowe’s home improvement store ended its sponsorship of All-American Muslim on TLC Monday after groups complained it was pro-Muslim propaganda. Their ad agency thought it was a perfect fit. Lowe’s sells building materials and Muslims create a demand for them.
Hollywood traffic was snarled Saturday when a shooter stood in an intersection and fired at passing cars until cops arrived and shot him dead. It was all televised. Los Angeles citizens are demanding an ordinance which stops these reality shows from snarling traffic.
The L.A. Lakers traded Lamar Odom to the Dallas Mavericks Sunday, upsetting many of his teammates. There are always complications in any Lakers trade. The seventeen million dollars the players get for marrying a Kardashian puts the team over the salary cap.
Panama welcomed Manuel Noriega after the deposed dictator spent twenty years in a U.S. prison for cocaine trafficking and money laundering. He’s back in business. Noriega signed a pledge promising to be faithful to his wife and he ready to hold public office again.
Iowa conservative group The Family Leader got Newt Gingrich to sign a pledge of marital fidelity Monday. He’d refused to sign the pledge last summer when he was running sixth in the polls. However, now that Newt knows he can win he’s coated his zipper in Crazy Glue.
President Obama asked Iran Monday to give back the U.S. drone aircraft that crashed in the eastern mountains of Iran last week while the CIA was spying on Iran’s nuclear facility. Tehran said no. They’ve already wrapped it up and they plan to re-gift it to China.
President Obama held a press conference with Iraq’s prime minister Nouri al-Malaki at the White House Monday after they’d met inside the Oval office. They discussed the handover of power next year. When Newt Gingrich is elected, the troops are going back in.
Mitt Romney challenged Rick Perry to a ten thousand dollar bet in Saturday’s debate in Iowa over a point. The media speculated that Iowans could never imagine a bet that high. In fact, Iowans bet their subsidized corn crop — which can be made into food, sugar or gasoline — against the weather every year and they leave ten grand in the tip jar for the congressmen.
Norway reported a severe butter shortage Monday due to low dairy output and high fat diets. Butter is selling for five hundred dollars a pound. Americans who normally celebrate Christmas with Norwegian butter cookies will be buying cars for each other instead.
Penn State former coach Joe Paterno broke his pelvis in a fall in his house Saturday but he will not need surgery. The accident was inevitable. When you spend your career looking the other way, every coffee table is another reason to have Life Alert.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 12.14.11

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