Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, November 29, 2011 7:03 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House Christmas tree arrived from Wisconsin on a horse-drawn wagon Friday morning. To save electricity costs, this year the maintenance staff plans to illuminate the tree with dimmer bulbs. They are screwing members of Congress into the light sockets.
The Weather Channel reported beautiful weather across the nation on Thanksgiving weekend except for cold weather in Southern California. This seldom happens. It was so cold in Catalina Harbor that Robert Wagner got drunk and threw his sunscreen overboard.
Los Angeles police arrested a woman who pepper-sprayed other shoppers at a local WalMart Friday. She sprayed them to keep them from getting to the bargains ahead of her. She brought the pepper spray to use on the Occupy WalMart protesters but they were all sitting in the Medical Marijuana aisle.
President Obama tweeted a sale offer to all his followers Friday, offering them a ten percent discount on all Vote for Obama 2012 campaign merchandise. That’s how out of touch he is. If you want to sell something on Black Friday you discount it eighty percent or don’t bother sending out the e-mail.
Jennifer Lopez did an Audi ad where she drives through her old neighborhood in the Bronx. They used computer graphics to simulate the Bronx. It was so realistic that halfway through the commercial her car was missing all four tires and there was a gun to her head.
NASA launched the Curiosity rover on a nine-month flight to Mars Saturday. The two-armed robot on four wheels will roll across the Red Planet looking for the chemical ingredients necessary for life. This time of year those two ingredients are sugar and cable.
Colombian oil drillers struck an oil field Friday that will allow Colombia to produce two million barrels a day. The country has a great future. With both cocaine and oil, they are just a silicone strike away from getting every remaining nickel in the state of California.
Newt Gingrich led all GOP candidates in the polls Friday although only nine percent approve of his past personal life. It depends on how you spin it. Detractors say he lived immorally back when he was Speaker of the House, while supporters say that if he could match President Clinton intern-for-intern, he should be able to match him in creating jobs.
The GOP candidates held a debate on foreign policy on CNN Tuesday, which was the fourteenth Republican debate with twelve more to go. No wonder Donald Trump wants to re-enter the race. Twelve episodes is a longer guarantee that he has for The Apprentice.
Mitt Romney admitted Tuesday he tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once when he was a wayward teenager. He’s trying to connect with the voters by sounding like a real person. The last time someone offered Mitt a hot dog he ate it like it was a harmonica.
The White House urged Egypt’s army to transfer control of Egypt to a democratically elected government Friday as rioting in Cairo continued. It’s the United States policy to keep nuclear weapons controlled by responsible generals. That’s why President Obama’s football has just been a football.
Pearl Harbor will mark the seventieth anniversary of the Japanese attack next month. They regret it. If the Japanese had noticed how Americans behead, pluck, gut, stuff, baste, bake and devour turkeys every November, and then go shopping the next day, their instincts might have told them to surprise Vladivostok Harbor instead.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.29.11

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