Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, November 17, 2011 7:03 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Los Angeles Auto Show unveiled the new Ford Mustang Shelby that boasts a six hundred and fifty horsepower engine this past weekend. The car is a particular affront to the environmental community. It doesn’t run on gasoline, it runs on ground-up Priuses.
Tim Tebow leads the Denver Broncos against the New York Jets tonight after he won three of his four starts. He looks like a Roman soldier throwing a spear. In the time it takes Tim Tebow to get rid of the ball, Rick Perry and Herman Cain can think of an answer.
Jack Abramoff got out of prison last week and gave TV interviews accusing congressmen of insider stock trading. Days later, CBS’s 60 Minutes blew the whistle on the practice. Jack Abramoff’s going to join Jose Canseco in the Hall of Fame of Men Who Never Lied to Us.
President Obama caused a flap in Hawaii Sunday by saying America had grown lazy and aimless in the past few decades. He’s absolutely right. Just think of where this country would be if we had all improved our game by four strokes the way he did last year.
President Obama committed a verbal gaffe at his televised Hawaii press conference Sunday by referring to Hawaii as part of Asia. You’d think he’d know the location of his birth place. Three times in the last year he’s referred to Kenya as the Jewel of India.
New York cops began clearing Occupy Wall Street protesters out of Zuccotti Park this week in order to clean it up. The place was unsanitary. The mayor announced plans to light the Empire State Building brown to honor all the protesters have done for the city.
The U.S. Border Patrol reported a big drop in illegal border crossings in the past year Tuesday. They reported a land rush of Mexicans returning home to Mexico. The last thing the Minutemen expected was for their lawn chairs to be knocked over from behind.
Herman Cain tripped on foreign policy Monday and sputtered clumsily when asked about Libya. He tells you what he really thinks. Last week Herman Cain said he didn’t know China had nuclear weapons and came out in favor of Gitmo as long as it’s consensual.
President Obama flew to Australia Tuesday to hold strategic defense talks with our nation’s closest ally in the Pacific. Both countries were settled by British colonists centuries ago. Australia started out as a prison colony while America has evolved into one.
The NBA season teetered Tuesday when the NBA players union decertified to sue the league for anti-trust. Players have been saving millions getting ready for a strike. For six months they’ve been putting money in the bank, eating at home and practicing safe sex.
NBC’s Brian Williams hired Chelsea Clinton to report on his new NBC news magazine show on Monday nights. The network has also hired Meghan McCain and Jenna Bush. Campaign finance law hasn’t caught up with corporations that have figured out how to relieve politicians of the expense of having their children live in the basement.
The President’s Cup in Australia Friday pits the U.S. team led by Tiger Woods against the World team led by Greg Norman. Both men had two hundred million dollar divorces. They’ve been told to have no sex during the tournament on advice from their accountants.
NBC’s Bob Costas interviewed Penn State former coach Jerry Sandusky Monday, who denied sexually abusing boys. He admitted he showered with boys but insisted it was just a little horse play. The last thing he’d tell the boys after the horse play was not to be like Mr. Ed and talk.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger  11.17.11

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