Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, November 7, 2011 7:02 pm

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Los Angeles Dodgers were put up for sale to local billionaires Friday. It will take awhile to sort out the best offer. Peter O’Malley’s interested in buying the team, Mark Cuban’s interested in buying the team and Kim Kardashian is interested in marrying the team.
Kim Kardashian was reported Thursday to be dating NFL star Reggie Bush. It’s clear what she’s thinking. In case her reality show is ever in danger of being canceled she can boost the ratings by arranging to be murdered by a Heisman Trophy winner from USC.
Shaquille O’Neal wrote in a new book that he threatened to kill Kobe Bryant nine years ago during a back-and-forth over women. The Lakers used to be known for all the fun they had on the road with women but now they have all retired. The cellphone camera retired them.
Cuba legalized the sale and purchase of private property on Thursday. It ended fifty years of failed attempts to make communism workable. Cuba has discovered that collective ownership does not bring prosperity and they’ve decided to try house flipping.
Occupy Wall Street protesters shut down Oakland’s port with the mayor’s approval Wednesday and smashed bank windows downtown. It’s a real problem for the local police. Under the US Constitution you can’t stop Raiders fans from expressing themselves
Herman Cain tried to clear up allegations of past sexual harassment Thursday. He was hit with new revelations that one of his accusers got a fifty thousand dollar cash settlement. It didn’t hurt him in the polls but it has resulted in a lot of unemployed women offering to be his driver.
Congressman Bobby Rush compared the NCAA to Al Capone and the Mafia Thursday in a forum on money in college football recruiting. That’s true. Barry Switzer woke up one day in Norman twenty-five years ago and there was an SMU Mustang’s head in his bed.
The DEA seized a two-billion-dollar shipment of pot and cocaine Monday while it was being shipped into California by a Mexican cartel. What a political mistake. Californians were upset enough at the president because they had no jobs, and now they have no drugs.
Starbucks announced Friday it just opened its five hundredth store in China. This helps our global competitiveness. If we can get the Chinese hooked on six-hundred-calorie lattes and coffee cake it will slow them down to the point where we can catch up.
The Federal Reserve conceded that joblessness will stay above eight percent all next year. They’re managing decline. The Fed has a dual mission to keep inflation low and to keep the number of jumpers beneath the level that snarls traffic on the Golden Gate Bridge.
The Justice Department convicted Russian arms dealer Viktor Bout Friday of selling weapons to South American terrorists. He broke all the rules. Under the WTO he’s required to sell the weapons to the Justice Department, which gives them to a gun store on the border, which sells them to a cartel, which sells the weapons to the South American terrorists. That’s how jobs are created.
President Obama spoke at the annual Group of Twenty summit in France Friday. He said he wants to help the Europeans solve their economic crisis. He wants Europe to borrow money from China and pay American construction workers to beautify their roads.
Journal Nature said Friday Ice Age beasts like the wooly mammoth and wooly rhinos disappeared six thousand years ago. Scientists say Native Americans killed them all. This proves that British settlers were more fierce than wooly mammoths and wooly rhinos.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.7.11

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