Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, November 3, 2011 7:02 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Greece triggered a world stock market dive Tuesday by scheduling a vote on the EU bailout plan that cuts Greek benefits. They want a lot of benefits paid for by borrowed money, then they want all the debts forgiven. It’s the Occupy the Mediterranean Movement.
Herman Cain denied sex harassment charges at the National Press Club Monday. The charges won’t hurt him at all. The last time America had a sexual harasser as president, we had low unemployment, a balanced budget, and health care reform was in the trash can.
Sesame Street announced the TV show will air in Pakistan next fall. They had two cast changes for local sensibilities. Oscar the Grouch is out because the trash can could be used to hide an explosive device and Big Bird is out due to Internet rumors that he might be gay.
Boston College athletic director Gene DeFilippo admitted ESPN told him what conference to join in football. The network has too much power. The reason Herman Cain and Mitt Romney won’t run in the Iowa Caucus is that ESPN wants them in New Hampshire instead.
The Who’s Pete Townshend denounced Apple iTunes for bleeding rock groups. He’s so right. The only way a rock group can make any real money is to play concerts on the road and hope the DEA doesn’t notice the Mexican license plates on their equipment truck.
President Obama took his physical Monday and the White House doctor pronounced him finally to be tobacco free. We know it’s true because told the doctor he’s quit and the doctor wrote it down, and now it’s on the Teleprompter. That’s three sources right there.
Target announced Monday it will begin its Black Friday Christmas sales at midnight on Thanksgiving Day. It’s a terrifying experience when the shopping malls open the doors. People fly here from Pamplona, Spain, just to say they’ve done it once and survived.
Ronald Reagan was honored with a statue at Reagan Airport Tuesday marking the centennial of his birth. The statue celebrates Reagan’s victory of liberty over a totalitarian police state. The TSA wants a tarp thrown over it to keep people from getting the wrong idea.
The Crystal Cathedral stipulated Monday any offer for the bankrupt church property in Orange County must allow Dr. Robert Schuller to continue his Hour of Power. He always preached that God can change hearts. Unfortunately Bank of America can change the locks.
The FBI released surveillance video Tuesday of Russian spies exchanging documents in U.S. shopping malls last year. We exchanged ten of the Russian spies for four U.S. spies caught in Russia. We can’t even effect a spy swap without running up a sixty percent deficit.
The Pentagon announced Monday it’s sent a huge surveillance blimp to Afghanistan to keep an eye on the Taliban and relay their movements from the air. The dirigibles move along at twenty miles an hour. The rules are, the Taliban fighters have to blindfold themselves and spin around three times before they break it or they don’t get the candy.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 11.3.11

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