Posted: Friday, October 28, 2011 7:01 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Michigan police arrested an 89-year-old man with 300 pounds of cocaine inside his truck Tuesday. It elicited mixed emotions. Everybody is sorry to see him get arrested but they are happy that Hunter Thompson’s death turned out to be a hoax.
Oakland police cleared out anti-Wall Street protesters Tuesday who had overstayed their permits. Angry mobs broke out windows and looted stores. Police don’t know if the rioting is Wall Street-related or a sign of growing excitement that the Raiders are back.
Michael Jackson topped Forbes’s list of top-earning dead celebrities with a $170 million in earnings last year. Elvis made $55 million. Paul McCartney’s financial plan is to never stay single long enough to allow his kids enough time to kill him.
Terrell Owens staged a one-man workout in L.A. Tuesday hoping to draw NFL scouts to see him run, cut and catch passes. he did the workout while bare-chested in shorts. No NFL scouts turned out to watch him but he got three offers from the Bel-Air Divorcees.
President Obama enjoyed himself on Jay Leno’s Tonight Show Tuesday while he was in Los Angeles. It was good to see him relaxed for a change. He’s killed three terrorist leaders in six months, proving that the first week of quitting smoking is always the hardest.
President Obama made new rules to lower student loan payments Wednesday which don’t apply to delinquent borrowers. The program is only open to people who are current on their payments. Helping people who aren’t in financial trouble is what he accused Bush of doing.
Libyan officials announced that Moammar Kadaffi’s body was buried in an undisclosed location on Monday. The local coroner ruled that he died after being shot twice in the temple. He didn’t think Muslims would come into a synagogue to get him but he was wrong.
Michele Bachmann’s presidential campaign lost five staffers Wednesday. They claim that she was treating them like second-class citizens. Every morning when Michele would pick them up in front of Home Depot, she refused to let them drink coffee in her van.
Pentax Lab in Amarillo disarmed America’s last remaining Cold War-era big nuclear bomb Monday. Large megaton bombs are no longer needed to destroy a country. With today’s modern technology we just borrow money from them and refuse to pay them back.
Homeland Security was reported Monday to be funding a high-tech company which makes street lights that contain twenty-four hour surveillance cameras. It has the potential of making everybody in America a reality TV star. That’s how they’re selling it to the public.
The Texas Tea Party will host a TV debate between Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain along the lines of the Lincoln-Douglas debates. It’ll be great television. Don’t miss it when Herman Cain draws the short straw and has to defend slavery in Nebraska Territory.
A New Jersey appeals court ruled Tuesday that a family didn’t commit child abuse by naming their baby boy after Adolf Hitler. The child is the talk of the town. The kid isn’t 3 years old and already he can point to the characters on Sesame Street and tell which one is gay, which one is Jewish and which one’s a gypsy.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.31.11