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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, October 26, 2011 7:01 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Paranormal Activity III did fifty million dollars at the box office Sunday. It’s the third in a series of horror films shot with hand-held cameras about ghosts. They edited the film so close to the release date they were able to get Moammar Kadaffi to do the voice-overs.
Libya’s new rulers put Moammar Kadaffi’s body on display for public viewing in a meat freezer over the weekend. It’s a happy ending in a way. Like most guys his age, Moammar Kadaffi grew up in the Fifties wishing that he could be just like Ted Williams, and now he is.
Oklahoma was upset by Texas Tech in Norman Saturday in a night game delayed two hours by lightning and hail the size of baseballs. There wasn’t much property damage. In this section of the country, people keep an extra car that they drive in October and April.
Major League Baseball might ban beer in clubhouses after the Boston Red Sox drank beer during games. Most players like to have a beer when the game is over. In Boston, the players considered the game over when they were one run down in the first inning.
New York’s Occupy Wall Street protesters fought each other over the half-million in donations they’ve gotten from leftist donors. The finance committee won’t give the money to their working groups. This isn’t a protest movement, it’s a communist terrarium.
President Obama got a three-point Gallup Poll bounce after Kadaffi was killed like he did when he killed bin Laden and al-Awlaki. His popularity goes up, then it goes down again. He has to kill a terrorist leader a day the way some people take cholesterol medicine.
Libyans erupted in street celebrations after Moammar Kadaffi was tracked down in his hometown by rebels and killed Friday. The web video left no doubt. His body was shot so full of holes that if it’d been a car all the radio buttons would’ve been set on rap stations.
Libya’s Council took over Sunday and the first law they passed allowed men to have harems and multiple wives. It never works out as we plan. Rich Americans were already leaving the U.S. because of the tax rates, now they are leaving because of the marriage laws.
Afghan president Hamid Karzai said Sunday his country would side with Pakistan in any war with the United States. We need to hang tough and not let him upset our mission there. If someone can invent a car that runs on poppies instead of corn, it’ll all be worth it.
President Obama attended fundraisers in L.A. Monday where his motorcade snarled traffic on the west side of town for the third time in a year. The congestion raised an angry cry from environmentalists. If you close two streets in Los Angeles, you form a lake.
President Obama declared the war in Iraq over Friday after Iraq refused to give U.S. troops immunity from Iraqi law. Let’s scram. The entire U.S. Army and half the CIA could be arrested for loitering, and a bailout of that size could break the Pentagon budget.
Western Union marked the one hundred and fiftieth anniversary of the first coast-to-coast telegraph message to Washington D.C. The technology brought the world closer together. It wasn’t very popular at first until people figured out how to have telegraph sex.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.26.11

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