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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, October 25, 2011 7:01 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama hit the campaign trail Friday to raise money for his re-election. His campaign slogan practically writes itself. President Obama killed Osama bin Laden, he killed Anwar al-Awlaki, he killed Moammar Kadaffi, and he provided health care for everyone.
Lindsay Lohan nearly went back to jail Thursday when she was was late to work on the first day of her community service in the LA County Morgue. What’s the difference if she’s a little bit late. It’s not like everyone’s tapping their feet waiting for her to get there.
New York’s Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer wrote a bill Friday to grant U.S. visas to foreigners if they agree to buy a house for at least a half a million dollars. It could create friction In the neighorbood. Many of them come to America not knowing a word of Spanish.
Herman Cain flubbed a question on the Iraq troop pullout Friday. His background as a pizza executive gives him no expertise. He closed all the Godfather’s franchises in New Guinea because people were ordering every night not for the pizza but for the delivery boy.
Occupy Wall Street protesters camped in a New York park celebrated one month of their demonstrations Friday. It’s forcing them to rough it. Their computers were stolen by park thieves and they have been forced to cheat on their spouses the old-fashioned way.
The White House loaned half a billion dollars to a car company that’ll make electric cars in Finland. They’re supposed to wean us off fossil fuels. They sell for ninety grand and that doesn’t include the services of the midget coal shoveler who lives under the hood.
Moammar Kadaffi’s body was placed on the hood of a jeep and paraded through Libya Thursday. The crowds went wild. The eighteen-year-old kid who killed Kadaffi was wearing a New York Yankees cap, and already he has more hits this October than Alex Rodriguez.
President Obama announced Thursday that Moammar Kadaffi was killed by U.S.-backed Libyan rebels who shot him dead on the street. Americans are getting impatient. How many more of these terrorists do we have to kill before we can just get on the plane and go?
Florida minister James Camping predicted that the world would end on Friday in the rapture. He’d said the same thing would happen five months ago. It’s the second time he’s been wrong and the disappointment among short-sellers is too much for them to bear.
President Obama declared the Iraq war over Friday and announced the withdrawal of all U.S. troops by January. There’s no use in revisiting what went wrong. Everybody realizes we should have invaded Iran but President Bush hooked his drive into the rough.
GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry gained ground with Tea Party voters Friday by endorsing a flat income tax rate for all Americans. He promised last Wednesday that he’ll present the new tax plan in six days. That’s how long God takes to make anything.
New York company Neo-Stem signed a deal with the Vatican to pay the church a million-dollar fee to endorse the company’s adult stem cell research. It’s only the start of the real money they could make. Bill Clinton just converted to Catholicism and gave the church a million-dollar consulting fee for a waiver on the adultery commandment.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 10.25.11

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