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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, October 6, 2011 7:01 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Hank Williams Jr. said Monday that Barack Obama playing golf with John Boehner is like Hitler playing with Netanyahu. ESPN had to cut his pre-game song. The fire marshal doesn’t allow country music singers to do Hitler jokes without a trained comedian on the set.
Roseanne Barr urged Monday that all bankers worth $100 million be beheaded. Reaction was swift. The next day Bank of America struck back, warning Roseanne that the bank will charge each customer $5 a head to cover the re-attachment.
Citibank began charging customers who have a checking account balance less than $6,000 a fee of $15 a month Monday. Customers are in a real bind. If they have less than $6000 in their account they get hit by banking fees and if they have more than $6,000 in their account Obama thinks they’re rich.
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced Tuesday he will not run for president this year. Republicans tried everything to coax him into running. They even told him that candidates in Iowa have to eat a pork chop on a stick, but even that didn’t persuade him.
Amanda Knox’s murder rap in Italy was overturned Monday in a haplessly bungled case. In his closing statement the Italian prosecutor called the beautiful U.S. college girl a sex maniac. That’s no way to get 12 Italian men to send a hot-looking chick to prison.
The Playboy Club premiered on NBC about Chicago’s Playboy Club back in the Sixties, but the network canceled the drama after just two weeks. That’s as long as a bunny can hold your attention. At a certain point, you’ve got to wake up in the morning and talk to her.
Madonna will sing at the Super Bowl halftime show in Indianapolis this January. She plans to throw all her energy into making this her biggest and most spectacular show. For the grand finish, she is going to rip off her bustier and adopt Michael Jackson’s children.
Occupy Wall Street protesters listed their demands on Tuesday. They want all debts forgiven, a living wage for all, free health care and open U.S. borders. Leftists think that money grows on trees but they won’t let you touch it in case a spotted owl is living there.
President Obama’s assassination of al-Qaeda leader Anwar al-Awlaki drew protests from libertarians Tuesday. The terrorist mastermind was born in the U.S. but worked out of Yemen. When the job of American al-Qaeda opened up Friday, the terrorist organization got 7,000 resumes in two days, but their lawyer said they have to hire a Hispanic.
President Obama sent three free trade treaties to Congress Monday, establishing free trade with Panama, Colombia and South Korea. A new law will include help for people who are displaced by free trade. Starbucks employees face a bleak future once cocaine is tariff-free.
President Obama asked Congress to make it easier for debt collectors to call people on their cell phones to collect delinquent student loans. That’s awful. How would he feel if China kept calling him in the middle of his backswing to ask why he hasn’t paid them back?
President Obama’s jobs bill died in Congress Tuesday because Republicans refused to raise taxes and Democrats refused to reduce spending. It was never a serious proposal. Charlie Sheen offered more serious proposals to the porn stars that he met on the Internet.
Texas Gov. Rick Perry fell into a tie with Herman Cain in the Washington Post’s GOP poll Monday. Perry called Republicans heartless if they opposed in-state tuition for illegal aliens. You’d think as governor of Texas he’d be the last one to forget the Alamo.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 10.6.11

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