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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, September 26, 2011 7:03 pm

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Iran’s government released the two U.S. hikers held as spies Wednesday after the one million dollar bail was paid. The two had been held by Iran in isolation for two years. They expressed their joy at their release and their happiness to hear that Cher’s adopted a son.
Major League Baseball began discouraging ballplayers from using energy drinks like Red Bull. It has to be done. In order for the statistics in baseball to be consistent from generation to generation, ballplayers are required to dissolve amphetamines in the coffee.
The N.Y. Giants were warned by the NFL Tuesday to stop faking injuries during games to slow down their opponents. It looks bad. Whenever a Giants player goes down on the field he’s surrounded by the team trainer, a violinist and three members of his acting class.
Pat Boone told reporters he could tell President Obama’s birth certificate was forged and Photoshopped. He’s an expert. Hollywood actors pioneered the art of doctoring birth certificates long before Mexicans made the technology available to the general public.
Steven Spielberg announced Thursday he will make a movie about Abraham Lincoln next year and release it during the election campaign. Of course the movie will be fictionalized. Nothing will persuade Abraham Lincoln to go into a theater after what happened last time.
President Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly in New York Thursday where he assured the world that the U.S. remains strong. He began the speech by declaring that the U.S. dollar is sound. It always helps to get the crowd on your side by opening with a joke.
Florida deep-sea divers were ordered by a U.S. court to return to Spain the treasure they’d found on a galleon sunk three hundred years ago. The ship was hauling sixteen tons of silver when it sank. It was the first of many setbacks for people who advocate wind power.
NBC News reports that President Obama has begun brewing his own honey-ale beer in the basement of the White House. There’s no reason why not. His daughters won’t be old enough to get married and move into the basement until he’s out of the White House.
John Boehner replaced Nancy Pelosi’s dim ecologically-correct yellow light bulbs in the U.S. Capitol. He ordered the bright white old-fashioned incandescent bulbs installed. You do not spend all that time in a tanning booth to walk into your office and look green.
The Tea Party announced they will hold their own debt reduction super-committee meeting at a Denny’s in Florida this week. They’re setting a great example. The surest way to lower the national deficit is to have the whole country eat at Denny’s before five o’clock.
President Obama got Warren Buffett to join him onstage for a campaign fundraiser at the Four Seasons in New York. It’s come down to this. After the president’s Israel policy, the only way he can get a dinner reservation in New York is by using someone else’s name.
Mitt Romney and Rick Perry fought it out onstage Thursday at the GOP presidential debate in Orlando. Audiences enjoy their witty banter during these debates. Voters can’t wait to see if Mitt Romney or Rick Perry goes home with Doris Day at the end of the movie.
President Obama will shut down traffic on Sunset Boulevard for eight hours when he speaks at a fundraiser at the House of Blues in West Hollywood Monday. It will disrupt the local economy. All the cocaine dealers live in Hollywood and all their customers live in Beverly Hills, so a roadblock on Sunset Boulevard could prevent the free flow of commerce.   
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.26.11

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