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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, August 8, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS  — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez was investigated Friday for playing in underground poker games. He’s been injured for a month. He won’t say how he got injured, but you’re not allowed to bring your third base coach to a poker game to stand behind the other players and give you signs.
Tiger Woods introduced his new caddy Bryon Bell at Firestone Country Club Thursday. He’s a trusted lifetime friend who handles all his travel arrangements. It’s public knowledge that Tiger went into a sex rehab last year but the caddy is the only one who knows it was in Thailand.
Shark Week premiered on the Discovery Channel Monday, showing riveting footage of the Great Whites in the deep. It’s an annual event. President Obama recorded a video in which he sent his respects to the shark community on this holiest week of the year on the shark calendar.
Casey Anthony was spotted by photographers at a shopping mall in Columbus Wednesday wearing an Ohio State cap in support of the Buckeyes. No one will judge her in that town. There’s not a college president in the Big Ten who could withstand a racketeering investigation.
The White House alarm sounded Tuesday when a man leaped over the fence. The jumper broke a security beam when he went over the fence. After a two-minute chase the Secret Service agents caught President Obama and talked him into coming back and finishing his term.
President Obama was dropped by 40,000 Democrats on Twitter one day after the debt ceiling compromise. The deal worried liberals. Obama’s about to take his physical, and Democrats think he caved in so hard the doctors may find 33 Chilean miners inside him.
Russia issued a series of postage stamps to honor President Obama on his 50th birthday on Thursday. Their postal service had a nationwide vote over what picture to use on the stamp. Everybody voted down Obama’s current picture in favor of one from 2004-08, the Elvis years.
The White House had a party celebrating President Obama’s birthday on Thursday while the stock market crashed and long-term unemployment numbers mounted. The president was satisfied. His birthday’s not even a national holiday yet and already nobody’s working on it.
Alabama was sued by the Justice Department and 16 other countries in opposition to its new law cracking down on illegal immigration. It’s no surprise that the state got singled out. Many other states have a similar law but the Justice Department has Alabama on speed dial.
The Census Bureau said Wednesday two million people have left California in the last 10 years for neighboring states. The effect has been dramatic. All the shopping malls in Utah, Arizona, Nevada and New Mexico are overrun by incredibly beautiful people with terrible credit.
The Justice Department allowed a Mexican drug cartel to transport cocaine into the U.S. in exchange for information on other cartels, and they also allowed U.S. guns to go into Mexico. It’s part of a larger policy. They’re trying to get the NFL players to stay in the country and not play in China.
San Francisco street thieves cut clumps of hair off Texas tourists to sell on the black market for hair extensions Tuesday. They’re stealing copper wire, brass urns from graveyards and now human hair. It is what people have to do when they can’t get a license to sell annuities.
GM reported huge profits last week and vowed to repay its bailout loan and end federal supervision. They have a perception problem until they are fully privatized again. No one in Beverly Hills will buy a Cadillac because they refuse to be seen taking public transportation.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

Published in The Messenger 8.8.11

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