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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, August 5, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tiger Woods returned to the PGA Tour Thursday with longtime friend Bryon Bell serving as his caddie. He’s the pal who used to arrange Tiger’s trysts with his mistresses. A recession is not officially a depression until Tiger has to lay off his caddy and make his pimp do both jobs.
President Obama enjoyed a 50th birthday party with old friends in Chicago Wednesday night. Everyone is very careful in that town. The monkeys you see in cages at the Chicago Zoo aren’t grooming each other, they’re just looking to see if the other monkey is wearing a wire.
The Census Bureau said Wednesday a million and a half people have left the state of New York in the last 10 years to live elsewhere. They’re leaving for Florida, Georgia and South Carolina. They are attracted by warmer weather, lower taxes and the prospect of secession.
Kelsey Grammer’s former wife Camille Grammer told a New York Post columnist Tuesday that the Republican star of Frazier wants to run for president. He’s got a better chance than you may think. After four years of Jimmy Carter, we always elect an actor with good comedic timing.
The Discovery Channel premiered its annual Shark Week Monday with chilling footage of Great White Sharks in the Pacific Ocean. That’s where the action is. Last year a shark mated with a Navy sub during war games and every time it fired a torpedo the shark passed out cigars.
The Weather Channel reports Dallas temperatures broke 100 for the 31st straight day Wednesday. There’s a plausible explanation. Last month people in Dallas said a prayer for God to keep the heat on the NFL to end the lockout and they forgot to set the timer.
Saudi Arabia announced plans Wednesday to build the world’s tallest skyscraper called Kingdom Tower. The spire atop the billion dollar structure will be two-thirds of a mile high. Ever since the Navy SEALs took out Osama bin Laden, there’s been a renaissance in architecture.
Moody’s Investor Service threatened to downgrade the U.S. credit rating on fear that fiscal discipline may erode after the debt ceiling deal. The consumer debt numbers don’t help at all. Americans are so deep in the hole that it’s starting to look like a secret plan to invade China.
China downgraded America’s credit rating Tuesday and admonished Washington for not fixing its national debt and budget deficits. It’s not like we can get mom to co-sign. Last night Queen Elizabeth got a call from the U.S. Treasury Department and she let the machine pick it up.
Democrats went online Wednesday to express their fury at President Obama for caving in to the Tea Party in the debt ceiling deal. It inspired a brilliant idea. Arnold Schwarzenegger just asked President Obama if he would represent Maria in the divorce, so he can get everything.
The White House launched a pilot program Wednesday which gives welfare recipients in Pennsylvania free cell phone service paid for by telecom companies. They said a cell phone is a civil right. It’s right there in the text of Dr. Martin Luther King’s I Have to Take This speech.
Washington, D.C., topped a report of cities with the most cocaine users Tuesday. This is just more evidence that government workers are making too much money. Last week three Under Secretaries and an EPA administrator were spotted in a D.C. nightclub partying with Paris Hilton.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

Published in The Messenger 8.5.11

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