Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, May 31, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Weather Channel aired video of lightning strikes in Pennsylvania Friday. The country just endured four violent days of thunder, lightning, hail storms and tornadoes. President Obama ordered the Navy SEALs to raid every movie theater playing Thor until they find this guy.
President Obama met with Group of Eight world leaders Thursday in a medieval Norman hall in the French town of Deauville. We just learned this past week why there was always a suit of armor standing at the foot of the stairs in a French castle. Those were the maid’s outfits.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was investigated Friday for using state troopers to pick up and drop off women at his Sacramento pad. The cops did nothing wrong. They’d each spent two grueling months in Hollywood training for this kind of work at the Personal Assistant Academy.
Senator Tom Coburn called out the National Science Foundation for spending three billion dollars at its South Pole lab on silly experiments and staff Jell-O wrestling parties. They upset and altered the habitat. The penguins’ mating ritual now consists of insincere chit-chat in the hot tub.
Lindsay Lohan began serving her house arrest Thursday at her Santa Monica beach house, where she plans to read scripts and paint. She doesn’t need to go out for shopping. When you live at the beach in Southern California the Colombian sub can deliver directly to your patio.
USC braced itself for the NCAA’s stripping its football title of seven years ago over the Reggie Bush scandal. USC beat Oklahoma in the title game but OU would never accept a forfeited title from USC. The major football schools have far more important things to worry about, like parity.
The State Department ordered U.S. citizens to depart Yemen Friday while anti-government street rioting disrupted law and order. Mobs of Yemeni ran wild looting and burning. From a helicopter camera view it looked like six Los Angeles high schools getting out at the same time.
The U.S. assured Russia Friday that NATO can only shoot down Iran’s missiles over Europe, not Russian missiles. Russia’s missiles are far more sophisticated than Iran’s. Iranian missiles prefer watching the Three Stooges while Russian missiles have every episode of Frazier on DVD.
President Obama arrived in Poland Friday where he attended an observance of the World War II Warsaw uprising against Nazi Germany. In a grim stroke of historical fate the country is situated between Germany and Russia. Poland is an old Slavic phrase meaning Tornado Alley.
Sarah Palin launched a speaking tour Friday as political pundits speculated over whether she’s running for president. The idea is to appear more thoughtful, more statesmanlike and more incisive. Her goal is for Saturday Night Live to hire Margaret Thatcher to impersonate her.
Sarah Palin’s admirers released a two-hour movie documentary about her life called The Undefeated. Of course she’s undefeated. When moose are allowed to shoot at Sarah from an overhead helicopter while she’s grazing at a salad bar the record might even out a little.
Mitt Romney scheduled a rally in New Hampshire Thursday where he’s going to announce for the presidency. One of his houses is in Manchester. In the Mormon faith you’re allowed to have as many houses as you like, just so long as you love, honor and cherish each one of them.
President Obama used an auto-pen to sign the Patriot Act into law from France Thursday despite President Bush’s concern six years ago that using an auto-pen might be ruled unconstitutional. You can’t make it up. Only people in the English-speaking world would agree to violate one-thousand-year-old privacy and property rights and then wonder if the pen’s legal.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 5.31.11

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