Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, May 24, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama set the terms for an Israeli-Palestinian peace treaty in a speech he gave on Thursday. They’ve been fighting for four thousand years but Obama says it’s time they settle their differences once and for all. Next he is going to settle this Roadrunner-Coyote thing.
The Ohio legislature is considering a bill which would allow sports fans to carry firearms into open-air sports stadiums. It makes sense. The GOP lawmakers may be trying to lure the Republican convention to Cincinnati because Sarah Palin has said that she’s never shot a Bengal.
Sarah Palin gave definite hints on Fox News Thursday that she’s preparing a presidential run and she sounded close to announcing. Be still my heart. When Donald Trump dropped out of the race only Sarah Palin could fill the gap and help the nation avoid a comedy recession.
Newt Gingrich’s cell phone went off during a speech in Iowa on Friday and the ring tone played Abba’s Dancing Queen. Last weekend he dissed the GOP budget plan, he was revealed to owe five hundred grand to Tiffany’s, and he has a gay disco anthem for his ring tone. It turns out Newt’s only running for president to get enough publicity to be elected governor of California.
IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn was released on bail Friday after he was indicted for sexual assault on a hotel maid. He must wear a tracking device and stay in an apartment with his wife. She’s learned the hard way she needs to play hard-to-get to keep the spice in the marriage.
Princeton professor Cornell West roiled his own African-American community Thursday by calling Obama a puppet of Wall Street. He said he’s sold out black people. The professor said he is tired of the president playing the white man’s game, but why bring hockey into this?
California reported 12 percent unemployment Friday sparking White House concern for Obama’s re-election. It’s seen as a failure of his stimulus package. He said it’d produce thousands of shovel-ready jobs for California but Hugh Hefner and Larry King just refuse to die.
The SEC gave a million dollar reward to a Wall Street whistleblower who busted a hedge fund operator for insider trading. In two years we’ve adopted the East German economic model. The only way to make real money in America is to sell out your friends to the authorities.
Jeb Bush revealed Friday his family will endorse Mitch Daniels for president. Republicans are crestfallen that Jeb won’t run. They’ve arrived at that moment in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy wakes up from her dream and realizes that there’s no place like hereditary monarchy.
Ron Paul stood by his libertarian beliefs on Sunday news shows, repeating his call for the legalization of marijuana and cocaine and prostitution. He’s drawing tremendous support from college-aged voters. They think if he wins, the victory party will be at Charlie Sheen’s house.
Patrick Kennedy discusses his drug and alcohol addiction on CNN Sunday. He drank and smoked pot and snorted coke and ingested pain-killing pills for a reason. He wanted to be the first Kennedy to demonstrate that you don’t have to cheat on your wife to have a good time.
Arnold Schwarzenegger put his film career on hold Thursday after admitting he fathered a child with the maid. It was foreseeable. When he told friends twenty years ago he wanted to be the next Thomas Jefferson, nobody thought he meant knocking up the household servants.
Maria Shriver hired a top Century City divorce lawyer Thursday to handle her split with Arnold. If this is done right, she won’t have to split her talk show money with Arnold and he won’t have to split his movie money with Maria. Nobody gets killed in Brentwood this time.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.24.11

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