Posted: Monday, May 16, 2011 8:01 pm
BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
A Kansas City minister posted a photo of a TSA agent at Kansas City’s airport frisking an 8-month-old infant in his mother’s arms. It’s crazy. The only explanation could be that the TSA agents thought he was the E-Trade baby and they were torturing him for stock tips.
House Republicans proposed allowing oil drilling off the West Coast Wednesday. It’s all here. If people knew how much oil there was beneath Los Angeles Lindsay Lohan would not be stealing necklaces from jewelry stores, she’d be diagonal drilling under them.
Lindsay Lohan agreed to house arrest in Los Angeles on Wednesday in exchange for pleading no contest to swiping a necklace. Negotiations were tense. Lindsay refused to accept the plea deal until her attorney assured her that it included a free ankle bracelet.
Wendy’s hiked food prices on Wednesday due to higher costs of beef, bacon, potatoes and corn. That’s because every crop can now be made into gasoline. Traveling salesmen are now passing up a night with the farmer’s daughter in order to sleep with the corn.
Forbes listed Tom Brady’s $18 million salary as tops in the NFL, however he made just a third of what his wife Giselle Bundchen makes as a supermodel. Her income is a lot more secure than his income. No NFL owner ever locked out a supermodel.
President Obama courted Hispanics Tuesday, offering citizenship to anyone who will register, pay their back taxes and learn English. The president and the crowd share an unbreakable bond. They all bought their birth certificates in MacArthur Park in Los Angeles.
Pakistan’s government gave U.S. intelligence agencies permission to interview Osama bin Laden’s three widows on Wednesday. The assassination restored their faith in God. The very week they are widowed they find out that Arnold Schwarzenegger is single again.
Bill Clinton backed Pakistan as an ally Monday while admitting Pakistan has anti-U.S. factions. He said the U.S. relationship with Pakistan is complicated. And no one understands complicated relationships like the man whose business cards read, Every Woman’s Plan B.
New Orleans plastic surgeon Elizabeth Kinsley invented an app which shows women photos of themselves showing what breast implants would look like on them. It’s not just for women. Brett Favre is already using it to improve the photos he sends to cheerleaders.
Michelle Obama invited rap star Common to the White House Wednesday for Poetry Day. His lyrics have saluted cop killers, derogated white women, and called for the burning of President Bush. He was at the White House to kick off his campaign for Mayor of Detroit.
Delta Airlines endured another nutty passenger Wednesday on a Boston flight. The second passenger in one week tried to walk out of the plane through the emergency door at 40,000 feet. The FAA has just ordered all airlines to stop running that re-make of Arthur.
The Mississippi River flooding headed south from Memphis Tuesday and shut down sixteen Indian casinos along the river. The hotel owners were very reluctant to board up and evacuate. They enjoy their best quarterly earnings when the casinos are full of fish.
Osama bin Laden’s son Omar bin Laden on Thursday accused the U.S. of assassinating his father without a trial. He plans to sue the United States. As soon as he files the lawsuit he is going to learn the same lesson that his father learned, it’s the discovery that kills you.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.16.11