Posted: Wednesday, May 11, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Martha’s Vineyard residents spotted giant Great White Sharks cruising off the coast of Massachusetts on Saturday. They must have come in search of fine restaurants. Any shark will tell you that terrorist leaders who won’t eat pork don’t have any flavor at all.
London Muslims staged an angry memorial service for Osama bin Laden on Friday. It’s been building for ten days. They’re angry at the U.S. for killing Osama bin Laden but they are furious at Kate Middleton for refusing to promise to obey her husband.
The Auto Club said gas prices receded Friday after sixty days of price hikes. Experts said the Mideast is calmer now that Osama bin Laden’s gone. If we’d known that killing bin Laden would lower gas prices, we’d have invaded a country a week until we found him.
President Obama flew to Ft. Campbell to shake hands with the U.S. Navy SEAL who shot Osama bin Laden twice between the eyes and killed him. The president had to go to him. The commando is in the brig til he can prove he didn’t act out of prejudice against Muslims.
The Pentagon said the U.S. Navy Seals seized Osama bin Laden’s anti-impotence herbs and virility supplements. They were in the medicine chest. The makers of Extenze just put in a claim for the twenty-five million-dollar reward for leading the CIA right to his door.
Al-Qaeda acknowledged Friday that Osama bin Laden was killed in the U.S. raid on his compound in Pakistan last week as announced by the White House and by the CIA and by the Pentagon. Now we believe it. Al-Qaeda has never lied to the American people before.
Osama bin Laden was shown in captured home videos Saturday watching himself on TV and dying his beard. He’s shown to be vain, self-absorbed and narcissistic. He gave up his courtside seats at the Lakers games because the cameras only stayed on Jack Nicholson.
The FBI lab matched Osama bin Laden’s DNA Friday to the man killed at the Pakistan compound. That settles it. They said there was only one chance in eleven quadrillion it wasn’t him, more than enough doubt for an L.A. jury to acquit you of murdering your wife.
Pakistan called the U.S. raid on bin Laden’s house an unlawful invasion Friday. We had a perfect right to go in. Obama may have removed Winston Churchill’s bust from the Oval Office but he still holds Churchill’s letter deeding the British Empire to Harry Truman.
Iran’s President Mah-moud Ahmadinejad faced impeachment charges Friday as Iranian lawmakers accused him of using sorcery in office. He’s accused of being a magician and a genie. The CIA just hired Penn and Teller to figure out where they put the nuclear weapons.
Arnold Schwarzenegger signed to star in Cry Macho about a down-on-his-luck horse trainer who accepts a fee to kidnap the horse owner’s son. He got twelve million dollars plus fifty percent of the profits. It’s the biggest fee any star’s gotten in the post-steroid era.
Lindsay Lohan denied Friday that she’s becoming a Scientologist after a newspaper said her Gotti movie co-star John Travolta was recruiting her. There’s no way she’d join that group. She’s got her hands full being an alcoholic, and that’s enough meetings for anybody.
Auto Week honored Jaguar’s new hybrid gas-electric supercar on Saturday, naming it Best in Show at the Paris Auto Show. It goes two hundred miles an hour on gas but if you use the electric motor it goes thirty-one miles before it runs out of juice. The only way this car’s going to sell is if the government subsidizes three-hundred-mile-long extension cords.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.11.11