Argus Hamilton 5.6.11

Argus Hamilton 5.6.11

Posted: Friday, May 6, 2011 8:01 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
CNN’s Nic Robertson gave a tour of Osama bin Laden’s mansion garden in Pakistan. It was full of cabbages, potatoes and marijuana plants. The White House can’t release the photographs of Osama bin Laden until they’re absolutely sure they didn’t kill Willie Nelson.
President Obama announced Wednesday he will not release the photos of Osama bin Laden’s body taken right after the raid. He was shot and killed by U.S. Navy SEALs just two hours before he was fed to actual seals. Democrats never pass up an opportunity to recycle.
The White House released photos of the president’s national security team watching the bin Laden raid live thanks to the helmet cams on the Navy SEALs. The unions are livid. IATSE says if the SEALs are going to carry cameras they have to join the Cameraman’s Local.
The NBA will use metal detectors at all playoff games to search for weapons because of the bin Laden raid. There are lots of angry people out there. When bin Laden was told by his bookie that the Spurs couldn’t lose, he wound up getting killed twice in one weekend.
Pittsburgh Steelers runner Rashard Mendenhall caused a flap by tweeting a message sympathetic to Osama bin Laden. He said we should wait until we hear bin Laden’s side of things. It’s just more evidence that the brain isn’t fully formed until you are 25.
CIA Director Leon Panetta’s advice to release the bin Laden photos was rejected by President Obama Wednesday. The act was deemed too provocative. The reason Leon Panetta was brought into the Obama administration is because he’s old enough to buy beer.
Joe Biden said 16 congressmen knew for four months about the raid on Osama bin Laden’s house but no one leaked it. Who knew Congress could keep a secret that big for so long? It makes you wonder just how much adultery there really is on Capitol Hill.
President Obama’s speech reporting bin Laden’s death was seen by 70 million viewers Sunday. He waited until it would pre-empt Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice. President Obama’s doctrine of pre-emptive war is a lot more personal than George Bush’s.
Native American tribal leaders blasted President Obama for giving Osama bin Laden the code name of Geronimo in Sunday’s raid in Pakistan. The Indians are absolutely right. Judging from the photos at the death scene, the code name should have been Custer.
Attorney General Eric Holder tried to give legal cover for the death squad raid on Osama bin Laden Tuesday, saying bin Laden was killed in self-defense. Americans aren’t concerned about whether we violated international law. We take the infield fly rule more seriously.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

Published in The Messenger 5.6.11

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