Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, May 2, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Superman renounces his U.S. citizenship in Action Comics this month. It’s so Iranians won’t think he’s a U.S. spy when he attends a peace rally in Teheran. Superman will be sorry he did this when the TSA pulls him out for extra screening every time he wants to fly.
Beverly Hills grocery stores sold out of English tea on Monday as the locals prepared to host watch parties for the Royal Wedding Friday. Everyone was excited. No one in Beverly Hills ever tried English tea, but we’ll inject anything into a wrinkle to see if it helps.
Queen Elizabeth held a lunch for wedding guests Friday which laid out plates, knives and forks made of solid gold. That means a ten-ounce spoon was worth fifteen thousand dollars cash. Now Ron Paul is calling for U.S. currency to be backed by English shrimp forks.
Scotland Yard set up nine security checks before anybody could enter Westminster Abbey Friday. They really know how to do this stuff in England. If the TSA had been in charge, the wedding would’ve started late to accommodate the groping of the flower girls.
Donald Trump issued a congratulations to Prince William and Kate Middleton on their marriage Friday. He wasn’t invited even though he’s of royal lineage on both sides. His mother’s related to the Stuarts and his hair is a direct descendant of William of Orange.
President Obama was furious Wednesday that his press briefing was delayed until Donald Trump finished speaking in New Hampshire. He’s not the only one angry. Charlie Sheen is suing Donald Trump for replacing him as the Most Interesting man in the World.
CBS News star Bob Schieffer accused Donald Trump of racism Thursday for harping on Obama’s refusal to produce a birth certificate. It’s a sore spot with the newsman. Bob Schiefffer was born in Texas during the Civil War so he isn’t eligible to be president either.
President Obama was ripped by carnival barkers Friday after he compared Donald Trump to them. Carnival barkers lure people to come into your store and spend their cash. Leave it to Obama to be out there belittling the one talent that can save the economy.
Lindsay Lohan registered with the Women’s Correctional Facility for her community service. They want her to give acting lessons to L.A.’s homeless. They’re already broke and have substance abuse problems, so they are two-thirds of the way there.
Wal-Mart announced Friday it’ll bring back the sale of guns and rifles in U.S. stores in an effort to boost slumping store sales. The logic behind the decision makes sense. Why should undercover ATF agents make all the money from selling guns to Mexican drug lords?
The Weather Channel reported Thursday the severe drought across the South ended last week in thunderstorms and deadly tornadoes. Now rivers are rising dangerously. April may be the only thing that can get Southerners to stop thinking about college football.
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il said Tuesday he supports full and open talks with South Korea in opening up trade. It’s out of necessity. He made a fortune counterfeiting U.S. currency but now that it isn’t worth anything he has to find another way to pay the bills.
The Republican Party will hold the first presidential candidates’ debate this weekend in South Carolina. They expect at least six candidates. Fox News announced that it will moderate the debate, allowing Roger Ailes to win a bar bet that he could think of a way to get the New York Times to use the words moderate and Fox News in the same sentence.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.2.11

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