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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, April 29, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Westminster Abbey is the site of today’s Royal Wedding in London. The bride’s sister will be holding a Disco Breakfast Party before everybody goes to church. They weren’t supposed to unwrap the gifts early but they couldn’t resist one with a Colombian postmark.
Lindsay Lohan got a standing ovation from the Tonight Show studio crowd after she walked onstage Tuesday. Jay was happy to see her. The court ordered her to work in a morgue and as part of her community service she has to sweep up after any jokes that die.
Charlie Sheen told the crowd in Florida Saturday that his girlfriend left him Monday and broke up with him via text message. She told reporters she left Charlie to live in a less dangerous and hostile environment. She’s got a job as a street crossing guard in Libya.
Cleveland’s nuclear power reactor began leaking Wednesday during a routine plant shutdown. Dangerous radiation is getting into the environment. The good news is, you can plug your lamps into your flower pot and no one sends you a bill for the electricity.
NFL owners refused to open practice facilities to players Tuesday even after a judge ordered the lockout to end. The owners have a plan. They’ll be sorry when the FTC tells them that they can’t air beer commercials on telecasts of Chinese children playing football.
Daily Variety reported that Teleprompter inventor Hubert Schlafly died on Tuesday at age ninety-one. He invented the Teleprompter sixty years ago to help TV actors who couldn’t remember their lines. When President Obama heard the news he was speechless.
President Obama appeared before reporters Wednesday and produced a long form Hawaii birth certificate from fifty years ago. There’s no doubt about the authenticity of the birth certificate. It lists his name, his birthdate and his number of Twitter followers.
The White House got a copy of the president’s birth certificate Friday. The document specifically states he wasn’t born on a plantation. This was a huge relief to governors up North who won’t have to return him to Hawaii when he lands in their state to campaign.
Donald Trump declared he’s proud of himself for forcing Obama to produce his birth certificate. He then demanded to see Obama’s transcripts that got him into Columbia and Harvard. He’s just going to keep roughing up the president until the LAPD agrees to give him a badge and a patrol car.
President Obama caused a flap on Easter by failing to issue a proclamation honoring the Christian faith’s most sacred holiday. It just added to his sense of otherness. Donald Trump said Barack Obama thinks church is a fast-food restaurant that serves fried chicken.
Texas beauty queen Susie Castillo said the TSA fondled her sexually at DFW. She said they groped her breasts and fingered her after she refused a nude body scan. If beauty pageants replaced the kazoo solos with airport allegations it would save their TV contracts.
The FAA fired another air traffic controller who fell asleep in Seattle Airport’s tower last week. Now he’s eligible for ninety-nine weeks of unemployment pay. A lot of people do not realize the coffee they drink at work to stay awake is the cause of all their problems.
Al-Qaeda’s Muhammed al Nashiri told CIA interrogators he took shots that made him impotent so he won’t be distracted by women in his quest to destroy the U.S. The shots didn’t cost him one penny. His Mutual of Mecca health policy covers treatment for swelling.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

Published in The Messenger 4.29.11

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