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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, April 22, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Weather Channel aired footage of hail storms pummeling the South Wednesday in the wake of tornadoes and lightning storms. Not everyone is familiar with violent weather. Last summer it hailed in Los Angeles and everybody thought it was raining crack.
Tiger Woods played at a tournament in China Wednesday where he credited his new swing coach Sean Foley for the improvement in his golf game. He’s starting to feel like his old self again. Actually he has a dozen swing coaches but they don’t know about each other.
Apple’s iPhone was revealed Thursday to contain a chip which records every place you go with the phone. It’s scary. Nobody knows how many people in Los Angeles are lying to their spouses, but T-Mobile’s network hasn’t been this overloaded since the last earthquake.
Major League Baseball seized the L.A. Dodgers Wednesday from Frank and Jamie McCourt. He is deeply in real estate debt and she sleeps with the chauffeur. When they came to town six years ago and vowed to embrace the local culture, everybody thought they meant Hispanic outreach.
The Federal Aviation Administration fired an air traffic controller last week when he was caught watching a movie on his computer while at work in the tower. It’s not hard to understand. The controller said he was only watching a movie because he couldn’t sleep.
President Obama flew to California Wednesday to speak at a Culver City fundraiser for his re-election campaign. He faced the usual criticism for flying out there. Before he got off the plane in California, Donald Trump was demanding to see his Mexican birth certificate.
NBC executives ex-pressed worry that Donald Trump may leave his top-rated show to run for president. It’s the network’s only hit now and it brings in millions in ad revenue. Things are so bad at NBC that last night the NBC peacock walked into KFC and surrendered.
GOP Congressman Paul Ryan battled with President Obama over competing budget plans. What a choice. The Democratic plan lets us keep partying until the sheriff knocks on the front door and the Republican plan burns us down for the insurance money.
Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal sought more help in cleaning up the Gulf of Mexico on anniversary of the BP oil spill. It wasn’t all bad news. The oil seeped up the Mississippi and into the cotton fields, yielding a bumper crop of polyester pants which give at the waist.
House Speaker John Boehner announced Mon-day that House Republicans won’t hold a Cinco de Mayo celebration in the Capitol on the fifth of May. They have other concerns. Republicans will however hold a memorial service in observance of Sinko de Credit Rating.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.22.11

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