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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, April 21, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Boston Marathon was run in front of a big crowd Sunday. A college kid watching the race from his dorm window fell five stories into a snowbank but wasn’t hurt. Later a Kenyan fell out of the window and beat his time to the ground by four tenths of a second
Nicolas Cage was arrested in the French Quarter of New Orleans Thursday for public drunkenness. He’s filed for bankruptcy, he’s being sued by the IRS and he’s developed a drinking problem. He’s known for playing regular guys and he likes doing his own stunts.
Michelle Obama’s landing was aborted in Washington on Tuesday when an air traffic controller made a mistake in the tower. His post-incident test results met the strict new standards for air traffic controllers. He tested negative for alcohol and positive for cocaine.
The FAA took measures Tuesday to keep air traffic controllers from sleeping on the job. Management had to do something. It was bad enough the controllers were asleep at the screen, but when they posted photos of their weekend on Facebook, it was too much.
President Obama called for more shared sacrifice at a town hall Tuesday. Ever since he visited that volcano in Central America last month all he’s talked about is the need for sacrifices. Republicans are starting to doubt that he is a Muslim and think he’s an Aztec.
Peru’s president alarmed Wall Street Tuesday saying he wants to return the nation’s mines to the people of South America. It’s a daunting task. Until now the only way the people could profit from the mines was to be trapped in them, then sell their stories to NBC.
The Auto Club reported Monday the average price of premium gasoline reached four dollars a gallon. The high price of oil is demoralizing the nation. People who live along the Gulf Coast are scooping up what’s left of the BP oil spill and overcharging the poor for it.
The Happy Days cast sued CBS Viacom for ten million dollars for selling their images and not paying them. A lot of money is at stake They’re owed a hundred thousand dollars just for the commercial showing Joanie and Chachi holding hands in side-by-side bathtubs.
President Obama promoted immigration amnesty at the White House Monday. Reaction was swift. Mitt Romney called the idea dangerous, Sarah Palin called it irresponsible, and Donald Trump asked everyone not to forget to watch Celebrity Apprentice Wednesday.
President Obama marked Passover at the White House on Monday with a traditional Passover Seder dinner. The president said the spirit of Passover is reflected today in the Muslim uprisings in Egypt and all over the Middle East, that is, except the kill-the-Jews part.
Donald Trump went on ABC Sunday and suggested that the U.S. seize Libya’s oil fields until the country’s liberation is paid for. It’s a new approach to foreign policy. We have allies and we have enemies, and when Donald Trump is president we will also have tenants.
Fidel Castro announced Monday he’ll retire as Cuba’s party chief and he proclaimed new reforms. Cubans have government health care and now they’re going to be able to purchase their own cars and homes. If that doesn’t bring down their economy, nothing will.
The Department of Justice shut down the three largest online poker sites Friday for evading U.S. laws against Internet gambling. The federal laws are very strict against any form of online gambling. If you book a flight on the Internet, it has to land before midnight.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.21.11

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