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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, April 20, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Coffee News USA predicted Tuesday that the pending free trade agreement between the U.S. and Colombia will help lower coffee prices. A recent survey says ninety percent of Americans drink caffeinated beverages. The other ten percent are air traffic controllers.
The South was smashed by tornadoes Saturday from Oklahoma and Arkansas all the way across to North Carolina and Virginia. These Civil War centennial re-enactments are getting a bit ahead of themselves. We don’t start losing the war for another three years.
Tax Day saw huge lines of last-minute taxpayers at the Post Office on Monday. It was tough on rich and poor this year. If you’re doing well, the government takes about forty percent of what you make and the other forty percent, of course, is taken by the gas station.
The Los Angeles Lakers agreed this week to work with the Gay and Lesbian Alliance against Defamation to atone for Kobe Bryant’s homophobic rant against a ref Friday. Their demands are outrageous. The Lakers shouldn’t have to pay reparations to the WNBA.
Barry Bonds escaped all perjury charges Wednesday after his jury deadlocked over the truthfulness of his steroid use denial. He was only convicted of obstructing justice. He was so thrilled with the mistrial verdicts that he hugged the entire jury simultaneously.
Standard and Poor’s lowered its outlook on the U.S. credit rating from stable to risky this week, setting off a stock market dive on Monday. It’s demoralizing the nation’s capital. The country’s credit is so bad that all the White House appliances are now rent-to-own.
Donald Trump dismissed Mitt Romney’s fortune as small potatoes Tuesday, saying his own fortune is much, much bigger. This could work. If cowboy rhetoric got us into two wars in the Middle East perhaps porn star rhetoric could make the employment rate go up.
Michelle Obama appeared on ABC’s The View Monday where she was quizzed about her constant traveling. It’s become a hot topic. The first lady said she loves to travel so she can embrace the country she loves but she didn’t specify if she meant Spain or Brazil.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.20.11

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