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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, April 15, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Barry Bonds was convicted of obstruction of justice Wednesday in San Francisco. He joins Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa in steroid disgrace. By the time the home run record is returned to the Maris family, it will have made more wrong turns than Amelia Earhart.
Texas Rangers star Josh Hamilton was injured dashing home from third base on a pop foul to the catcher Tuesday. It was an insane risky gamble typical of recovered cocaine addicts. It’s the last time the Rangers let George W. Bush stand in as the third base coach.
President Obama called for tax hikes on the rich Wednesday, claiming that his friend Warren Buffett doesn’t need a tax cut. The billionaire is recovering from a disastrous investment he made four weeks ago. He bought Charlie Sheen at $100 a ticket.
The Conspirator directed by Robert Redford opens today, detailing the conspiracy to assassinate Lincoln at Ford’s Theater. One thing is clear from watching the movie. If Lincoln was really a man of the people he should’ve sat in the audience with everyone else.
Shirley MacLaine discussed sex and politics while promoting her book on the Oprah Winfrey Show. She said she once had sex with three politicians in one day during one campaign. Those three men were Benjamin Franklin, Julius Caesar and Saddam Hussein.
The U.S. Court of Appeal ruled to stay Arizona’s immigration law cracking down on illegal aliens. They don’t like being called that name. Illegal aliens have lived in America long enough to have seen Gone with the Wind and they prefer to be called replacement players.
The Arizona Senate passed a bill requiring presidential candidates to prove they are U.S. citizens before they can be placed on the ballot. The state should also outlaw write-in candidates. Last election, McCain and Obama finished behind Vicente Fox, Felipe Calderon and Pancho Villa.
President Obama gave his plan to balance the budget and reduce the debt in a speech in Washington Wednesday. Joe Biden fell asleep during the speech. No one wants to say the president tends to drone, but Pakistani villagers now scatter at the sound of his voice.
Congressman Paul Ryan ripped President Obama’s speech Wednesday, saying it was a campaign speech not a debt reduction plan. It’s getting personal. President Obama said Congressman Ryan’s debt reduction plan would starve Americans, and he promised that job to Michelle.
Congress will vote today on the budget compromise which averted a U.S. government shutdown last weekend. There’s no guarantee it will pass today. If the U.S. government shuts down, the number of things being brutally mismanaged dips by thirty-seven percent.
Donald Trump accepted the invitation of Iowa Republicans to speak at their Lincoln Day fundraising banquet held in Des Moines in June. This means he must be running for president. The only other time you see a New Yorker in Iowa is when the plane crashes.
Donald Trump surged in the GOP primary voters polls Tuesday, doubling the number of support from 10 to 20 percent. The way he did it was novel. He took last week’s ten percent support and combed it over, which gave him the appearance of 20 percent.
Japan’s Burger King introduced the Meat Monster burger Monday that has two beef patties, a chicken breast, bacon, eggs, cheese, teriyaki, onions, lettuce and a tomato. It’s their warrior tradition. Now they kill themselves by thrusting a burger into their stomach.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.15.11

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