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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Friday, April 8, 2011 9:09 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Charlie Sheen arrived in Manhattan Friday for his one-man show in Radio City Music Hall after a great show in Cleveland. He boarded a Southwest flight to New York carrying a water pipe with an eight-foot stem on it. He heard that the planes have crack in the roofs.
A Southwest flight had to make an emergency landing Sunday after a hole opened up in the top of one of their planes for the second time. The government solved the problem right away. The TSA just added can openers to the list of prohibited items aboard all flights.
Las Vegas bookies reported huge action on the NCAA tournament Tuesday. Gambling is the real U.S. national pastime. Americans spend $60 billion a year on games of chance, which include sports wagering, casino gambling, Internet poker and eating sushi.
Moammar Khadaffi sent President Obama a personal letter on Wednesday asking him to call off the war. He wrote Obama that he’s pulling for him to win re-election and added that Obama will always be his son. Donald Trump spent the entire evening resting his case.
Donald Trump will drive the pace car in the Indianapolis 500 race in May for the race’s 100th anniversary. He doesn’t realize that he’s driving an experimental lap. Safety engineers want to see how a race car handles with twin airbags on the driver’s side.
The White House worked hard to prevent a shutdown Wednesday. That would leave Americans with no federal government, cheap labor and free trade. The South could observe the 150th anniversary of the Civil War Tuesday by declaring victory.
President Obama warned workers at a wind turbine factory in New York Wednesday to get used to high gas prices until his green-energy policies take root. That’s not what they came to hear. Gas prices are so high in New York that the rats are car-pooling in from New Jersey.
The White House had mountains of dirt on the lawn Wednesday from all the digging on the secret underground construction project. It’s believed to be a tunnel in case of an attack by Iran or North Korea. President Obama has an exit strategy when it matters to him.
CBS News reported that four suspected drug smugglers were arrested in West Africa this week after an unregistered airplane went down in Mali. The plane crashed with 10 tons of cocaine onboard. The Hollywood Reporter called it the worst air disaster in history.
Bristol Palin reported making a quarter million dollars last year giving speeches. The Palins have a nice racket. Sarah makes a fortune giving speeches saying sexual abstinence works and Bristol makes a fortune giving speeches saying sexual abstinence doesn’t work.
Toyota announced it will use Microsoft software to develop technology to bring data navigation and entertainment to hybrid cars. Great. If there’s anything more entertaining than a car that speeds up for no reason it’s a car that turns blue and shuts off for no reason.
Pastor Terry Jones incited Afghan rioting by burning a Koran on his Florida church lawn. It doesn’t bother him. This is the part of Florida where certain groups will meet at night and declare that burning the U.S. flag is sacrilegious, just before they light the cross.
Oklahoma broke out in more brushfires Wednesday as the Sooner State endured the driest conditions since the Great Depression. No one wants another Dust Bowl. This time the Oklahomans moving west to California would collide with the Mexicans moving north to California and create a chicken fried burrito that’ll explode the obesity epidemic.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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