Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, March 31, 2011 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama gave a televised speech to the nation Monday about the operations in Libya. The president faced an impossible task in the speech. He had to persuade the Democrats that we shoud be in Libya without convincing Republicans he was born in Libya.
Barack Obama told America Monday our own future is brighter if more of mankind can live with the bright light of freedom. It sounded vaguely familiar. Now that the chairman of GE is a presidential adviser, every speech sounds like a light bulb commercial.
PBS signed filmmaker Ken Burns to do a twelve-hour series on the Vietnam War that marked and defined the Baby Boom generation. The ratings should be great. Everyone is going to want to watch it to the end so we’ll know how this Libya thing is going to turn out.
The White House said Tuesday Libyan rebels may sell oil from oil fields they captured under the cover of NATO’s air campaign. Later that day the rebels lost the oil fields back to Khadaffi’s forces after the dictator launched his own air weapons. They are called clouds.
President Obama ordered cruise missile attacks on Libyan missile sites Monday. Last year he fortified Iraq, surged in Afghanistan, attacked Pakistan with drones and now Libya. It was just a matter of time before he realized the Nobel Peace Prize was an insult to his manhood.
Moammar Khadaffi was reported Tuesday to be planning an exit strategy from Libya and a move to a country outside the jurisdiction of the World Court. It’s important that he live outside the reach of the law. He won’t feel safe unless he’s rooming with Charlie Sheen.
The U.S. government reported statistics Monday showing a record rise in the prices of food and gas and home heating oil during the month of February. It’s the highest jump in history in the cost of living. Economists say that those hit hardest should consider dying.
Japan’s government drew protests from citizens Monday for minimizing the dangers of nuclear radiation from Fukushima. The people would rather face the problem. No one believed the government’s first announcement that they’d just invented a way to make softer ice cream.
Japan’s nuclear seepage was determined by U.S. officials Monday to be no threat at all to Americans. There’s no alarm. Scientists measured nuclear radiation in Japanese fish with a Geiger counter Monday and concluded that we overthrew Saddam Hussein for less.
The Bronx Zoo had to be shut down Monday after a highly poisonous cobra escaped and crawled into New York. It got a lot of attention. The surest sign yet that the economy is recovering is that the snakes are leaving their nests and heading back to Wall Street.
The Barry Bonds steroids trial heard testimony Monday from his mistress Kimberly Bell. She said his testicles shrank, his hair fell out and he became impotent. It takes no time for steroids to turn baseball’s home run king into just another greeter at Wal-Mart.
Hillary Clinton was a hit in London meetings on Libya Tuesday. She paid lip service to the humanitarian pretext for war, she applauded the air strikes, she backed allied energy concerns and she demanded Moammar Khadaffi’s removal. How gay does Bill Clinton feel now that he realizes that for thirty-six years he’s been married to Dick Cheney?
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 3.31.11

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