Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, March 30, 2011 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Japan’s nuclear plant workers tried to stop the plutonium seepage at the Fukushima nuclear plant Monday. It’s affecting the economy. There’s a shortage of sushi in Japan and in California, mainly because all the seafood caught in the ocean has been pre-cooked.
President Obama hailed the spread of democracy in the Middle East Monday. We are doing everything we can to keep the Arab rulers from passing power down to their sons. If NBC had done this on The West Wing, America’s president today would be Charlie Sheen.
California’s Department of Health reported Monday that medical marijuana stores in the state rang up two billion dollars in pot sales last year. And it was all done legally. If California were a country in the Middle East, Jerry Brown would be the Emir of Doobie.
Jimmy Carter flew to Cuba Monday to obtain the release of a U.S. contractor jailed for setting up an illegal website. You can’t make it up. We now live in a world where Lindsay Lohan’s sober, the French are winning a war and Jimmy Carter’s getting hostages released.
Barack Obama gave an address to the nation on Libya Monday at the War College. He really put his act back together in a hurry. Last week he flew home from Latin America to find the Oval Office locked, and for one awful second he thought it was next year already.
Senate Democrats urged Moammar Khadaffi to step down from power Sunday and leave the country. He’s had hair implants, he gets botox injections and he keeps a string of mistresses on the side. You’d think Congress would spare him out of professional courtesy.
French and Italian fighter jets pummeled Moammar Khadaffi’s command and control center in Tripoli Monday. It’s not a very challenging assignment for these beginners in global policing. Barack Obama is the second straight U.S. president to run a tee-ball league.
London archaeologists urged NATO pilots to spare the antiquity sites in Libya during bombing runs. It’s only right. A century from now curators in Tripoli will be demanding that the British Museum return the Khadaffi Marbles to where everyone agrees he lost them.
Libyan rebels took the oil ports Monday and pressed west toward the capital city of Tripoli. The news shows them all in Toyota trucks. They say the rebels aren’t organized but someone has figured out the fastest way to Tripoli is in trucks with sticky accelerators.
NATO warplanes destroyed twelve Libyan tanks while patrolling the skies in North Africa on Saturday. The no-fly zone is really working well. The tanks were all ready to take off but the air traffic controllers were asleep in the tower and couldn’t get clearance.
The Justice Department released statistics Thursday showing that the United States now has sixty-five million citizens with past criminal records. It’s a staggering amount. When most Americans heard that statistic, two words came to mind–replacement players.
Scotland Yard said Monday anarchists plan to disrupt next month’s Royal Wedding in London. The night before, one of them was killed before a Trafalgar Square protest. There’s always the one guy who draws the short straw and has to call the meeting to order.
Somali pirates seized an oil tanker and its crew off the Horn of Africa Monday. Their timing was just terrible. Hours later they heard the Obama Doctrine, which requires U.S. action whenever innocent civilians are in danger from an oil well that’s about to blow.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.30.11

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