Posted: Friday, March 18, 2011 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama refused Wednesday to commit to helping the rebels overthrow Mommar Khadaffi in Libya. The White House said the president is still weighing his options. After thinking it over for three long weeks, he’s still torn between Kansas and Ohio State.
Israeli supermodel Orit Fox was bitten on the breast by a snake during a photo shoot Tuesday. The snake died of silicone poisoning from biting fake breasts. The next day Charlie Sheen got a bill from Met Life tripling the monthly premiums on his accidental death policy.
Mohammed Ali asked Iran to release the two young American hikers caught hiking in mountains inside Iran. We just got the release of two American kids caught hiking in North Korea. It wouldn’t look so bad if the CIA didn’t openly advertise in Hikers Magazine.
Al-Qaeda announced Thursday it’s going to publish a women’s magazine to spread jihad to Muslim women. The ad sales are through the roof. The entire back page of the magazine has a full-color ad for Kaboom, and there’s not a sparkling bathtub in the picture.
Los Angeles drugstores sold out of potassium iodide Tuesday as hysteria mounted over radiation clouds floating over from Japan. It’s really tough on people with charisma. Now if you light up every room you walk into, they hose you down and burn your clothes.
Apple stock soared Mon-day on news that Apple’s new iPad Two sold 600,000 units last weekend alone. iPad users love the faster, slimmer tablet. The edge of the tablet is so thin that it has an app for shaving or killing your ex-wife in Brentwood.
President Obama left for Rio Friday after spending all week drawing up his NCAA bracket picks for ESPN and playing golf. He did say a word about Libya. He offered to make a friendly bet on the NCAA tournament with whoever wins the civil war and ends up in charge.
The White House marked. St Patrick’s Day Thursday with the traditional luncheon for Irish leaders. It’s such blarney. Every year the leprechaun promises there’s gold inside the pot at the end of the rainbow, and it’s never anything but U.S. Treasury bonds.
GOP Congressman Peter King vowed more hearings on young Muslim radicalization in the U.S. Monday. No one denies it’s happening. Last year al-Qaeda considered spreading poison in salad bars across the U.S. but they abandoned the plan after Sizzler beat them to it.
The Pentagon informed Congress Tuesday the U.S. may form an alliance with Vietnam even if it infuriates China. One thing will always baffle Republicans. From the wars waged by Democrats against Japan, North Korea and North Vietnam, you’d think cars ran on rice.
Japan’s earthquake was upgraded to nine points on the Richter Scale by Cal Tech seismologists Thursday. It moved the whole country eight feet to the west. Now Republicans can never refute Obama if he claims that Japan and China came closer together during his administration.
Medicare admitted Thurs-day that it paid out millions in wrongful payments for Viagra and Cialis, which are prohibited from coverage. The taxpayers lost a fortune on these drugs. The reason there were all those foreclosures is that so many people had side-by-side bathtubs installed in every room.
The Arab League ripped Moammar Khadaffi Tuesday, calling him the Josef Stalin of North Africa. No need to invoke the names of the great. Moammar Khadaffi is a tinpot dictator and a cowardly murderer while Josef Stalin is the only man ever to win the Nobel Peace Prize just for dying.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.18.11