Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, March 16, 2011 8:02 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

 HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama refused Monday to get involved in the NFL labor dispute between players and owners. It’s a political identity test. Sarah Palin saw the list of all thirty-two NFL team mascots and realized the only one she hadn’t shot from a helicopter is a cowboy.
Michelle Obama warned Friday that obesity among American children has become a national security threat. She pointed out that one young person in four is too fat to join the U.S. military. Why can’t we just have a separate fat army that doesn’t invade hilly countries?
Charlie Sheen announced he will do a nationwide one-man show called My Violent Torpedo of Truth. He’s keeping his lawyers very busy. Just yesterday Charlie Sheen sued the tsunami that hit Japan for replacing him as the biggest disaster on television.
National Bracket Day was celebrated on Monday as millions of Americans filled out their office-pool betting brackets. The most-frequently chosen picks for the Final Four are Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle and Vancouver. It’s really up to the jet stream now.
Daylight Savings Time took effect Sunday, robbing people of one hour’s sleep in exchange for an extra hour of sunlight. Chaos ensued. Millions of Californians forgot to set their clocks ahead and were late to the drugstore Sunday in the scramble for iodine tablets.
President Obama prompted anger Saturday for playing a round of golf while Japan exploded and Libya imploded. What happens to these guys in office? It only took one more president to make George W. Bush look like a first responder during Hurricane Katrina.
The USS Ronald Reagan sailed into Tokyo Bay after the earthquake and tsunami hit Japan on Saturday. On Sunday the Fukushima reactor began exploding, releasing radiation into the air. On Monday the Emperor of Japan boarded the Ronald Reagan and surrendered.
Japan’s Fukushima nuclear reactor began leaking radiation and exploding after the earthquake. A meltdown’s radiation cloud could cross the Pacific to Los Angeles. Twenty years ago the smog would have protected us, but thanks to the EPA we are all going to die.
Japan’s Fukushima Reactor Number Two flirted with catastrophe Monday like the Chernobyl meltdown in the Soviet Union a quarter century ago. The Ukraine just opened Chernobyl up to tourists. It’s just like Disneyland except the six-foot mouse is real.
GOP Congressman Peter King chaired hearings Thursday spotlighting the problem of the growing radicalism of Muslim-American youth. The House panel heard disturbing testimony that al-Qaeda was recruiting Americans. The good news is, somebody’s hiring.
Congress heard testimony Thursday from some witnesses who said the jihad against the U.S. is declining in force. One website said the airing of American TV shows on Arab networks is helping to stop Islamic extremism. Terrorists watch our reality shows and realize they have won.
John McCain demanded a no-fly zone over Libya Monday as Moammar Khadaffi began to look victorious over the rebels. The senator shook his fist and said it’s time to intervene. It prompted his waitress to remind him that if he didn’t order right away, he’d miss the Early Bird Special.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.16.11

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