Charlie Sheen … You give ‘Biggest Loser’ a bad name
Posted: Friday, March 11, 2011 8:01 pm
By: By David Critchlow Jr.
Health Quest recently completed another highly-successful run of its Biggest Loser weight-loss program with participants losing a combined 948 pounds.
While I am a former loser in the Biggest Loser competition, I didn’t participate this year, but I did stop in to do a little working out on my own. It’s part of a New Year’s resolution that is starting to lose its luster just over two months into the year, which is common for the annual ritual in my case.
Personally, the elliptical machine has the most appeal to me. It’s easier on my knees and feet. However, if it could talk, I’m sure it would claim my weight is having the opposite effect on its various moving parts.
Too bad, I say, because until it collapses beneath me, that’s where I plan to be. Besides, it’s right in front of the television, which provides an excellent distraction when walking in place for 40 minutes.
Sometimes, the TV is set on one of the networks, while other times it’s on an all-news channel, weather channel or entertainment channel.
Lately, it hasn’t made any difference what channel it’s on, the coverage is the same — under the heading, “What did Charlie Sheen say now?”
There is no escaping this guy.
For those of you unfortunate enough to have missed this all-important international news story, here’s a synopsis.
After a 36-hour cocaine bender with a pair of his so-called “goddesses,” including a porn star, the popular actor was hospitalized with abdominal pains.
Since then, the actor, who was making $1.8 million an episode as the star of the sitcom “Two and a Half Men,” has been the epitome of bizarre with wild statements, videos, texts and “tweets,” whatever that means.
Here are a few samples.
On his natural high: “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
On his daily life: “It’s perfect. It’s awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it’s scary. People say it’s lonely at the top, but I sure like the view.”
On his two girlfriends: “You’ve read about the goddesses, come on. They’re an international sensation. These are my girlfriends. These are the women that I love that have completed the three parts of my heart. … It’s a polygamy story. All my guy friends are gonna like throw tomatoes at me. It’s like an organic union of the hearts.”
On partying: “I mean, what’s not to love? Especially when you see how I party man, it’s epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them, just look like droopy-eyed, armless children.”
Maybe it has something to do with the “tiger blood” drink he claims to consume. When someone made the observation that maybe he was bipolar, he said he was “bi-winning.” Apparently, the network thought he was “bi-losing his mind” because they terminated his multi-million dollar contract.
So why are so many people watching as though they’re passing a wreck scene that they don’t want to see but rubber-neck anyway?
“It’s a bit like (O.J. Simpson’s) White Bronco,” said Richard Wald, a Columbia University professor and former executive at ABC and NBC News. “It has little or no meaning, but it’s fascinating.”
Maybe it’s time for a new reality show, because we certainly don’t have enough of them.
“Biggest Loser: Charlie Sheen-style” is a possibility, but I wouldn’t want to give the name brand “Biggest Loser” a bad name, which sounds a bit oxymoronic. Then again, maybe moronic is a better choice of words.
And if he needs a leading lady, maybe Hollywood will cast troubled star Lindsay Lohan opposite Sheen in the role of his “goddess.”
Stay tuned … or good luck trying not to.
Editor David Critchlow Jr. may be contacted by e-mail at email@example.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.11.11