The new smart phone ‘app’arently has outsmarted me
Posted: Saturday, March 5, 2011 9:49 am
By: By CHRIS MENEES
The Messenger 03.04.11
I’ve been outsmarted.
And possibly outsourced.
Worst of all, it’s not even by another woman. It’s by a smart phone.
Did you know there are apps — that’s tech talk for “applications” — for practically everything?
I didn’t realize how deprived we’d been at our house until my husband got his new smart phone last month. All of the other kids already had one and he’d been jealously drooling for some time while waiting for our phone upgrades.
I’m not too tech savvy and I’m perfectly content to just talk and text from my cell phone. I realized one evening how drastically our lives had changed as I watched my husband happily playing trivia games on his new smart phone, the oldest granddaughter feverishly texting friends from her phone and the youngest granddaughter quietly connecting to the Internet from my laptop after I finished on Facebook.
As connected as we all were, I felt like we were totally disconnected.
I had the overwhelming urge to text one of them and ask, “How are you? What’s new? LOL!”
The next night, I watched a young couple next to us at a restaurant as they sat in silence texting from their cell phones while waiting for their meals. I secretly wondered if they were texting each other. Or perhaps the shy guy had a smart phone and was frantically googling the best pickup lines in the hope of impressing his demure date.
The more I thought about it, the more I thought I might be onto something.
He could be quite the Renaissance man, armed with his handy-dandy smart phone. For that matter, with all of that power at his fingertips, he might never even need a wife.
Just think about it …
There are basic apps for phone books, dictionaries, encyclopedias and maps. The guy will never have to call his girl in the middle of the day to ask for a phone number or have to stop to ask for directions when he’s lost (dare to dream, ladies). In fact, if she ever tells him to get lost, he need never worry about it happening.
He can pop out of bed in the morning and instantly check the news in any language or local gas prices or bus routes in China or subway schedules in Korea.
He’ll be fit for action and dressed for success, thanks to flab-fighting fitness apps and shop-’til-you-drop marketplace apps that deliver goods or services right to his doorstep, and he’ll be quite the handyman with tool apps that range from a basic level to a Swiss Army knife to quantum physics.
His sense of humor will be second to none, courtesy of comedy apps that offer redneck jokes or blonde jokes or “yo mama” jokes, and he will be a well-rounded wealth of information ready to impress the ladies with an expansive knowledge of Bible trivia or movie trivia or tidbits from thousands of trivial topics.
Stress will disappear at the touch of a button with the popular bubble wrap app or one of several whoopie cushion apps sure to make any junior high boy jealous and guaranteed to keep any prospective wife at bay.
Trust me. I know. Out of about a half-million apps, I think I’ve seen or heard roughly 499,999 of them in the last month from my very own smart phone-toting Renaissance man — including the dizzying “Twilight Zone” swirling circle app, a flashing strobe light app and a helium voice app that mocked me while I was under the influence of cold medicine.
I’m thinking of trying to find a smart phone support group.
It shouldn’t be too tough — I’m sure there’s an app somewhere out there just a phone call away.
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Staff Reporter Chris Menees may be contacted by e-mail at email@example.com.
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