Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, February 28, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
New York’s Mercantile Exchange saw oil futures hit one hundred dollars per barrel Thursday. Gas prices have soared since the Arab unrest began last month. It turns out Lindsay Lohan saved ten thousand dollars by renting a condo a block from the courthouse.
President Obama said Wednesday he’ll no longer support the Defense of Marriage Act in court challenges. The bill was passed into law by a coalition of conservatives applying Bible law to today’s law. It defines marriage as a union between two Republicans.
Toyota recalled two million Lexuses Thursday to repair carpet padding which could cause sudden acceleration. In addition, they want to double-check handling problems which can cause rollover. However on the bright side, rollovers do bring the Lexus to a stop.
The Space Shuttle Discovery launched into space for the last time on Thursday. The crew includes six astronauts and one humanoid robot. To make up for budget cuts, the robot is training the crew to win money for the space program as Jeopardy contestants.
Easy Jet airlines apologized to its Jewish passengers Thursday over a recent flight to Israel when all the airline served was pork. That was just the start of the airline’s crass insensitivity. The in-flight entertainment that day was a Mel Gibson double feature.
Libya’s government buckled in the face of pro-democracy protesters Friday just like Egypt and Tunisia. What a transformation. It’s a miracle to see all these countries run by ruthless, America-hating dictators change overnight into ruthless, America-hating democracies.
Boeing was awarded a thirty-five billion dollar Pentagon contract to build the next generation of air tankers Thursday. These tanker planes refill U.S. warplanes from the air with fuel. It works as long as angry Arab protesters don’t overthrow the air.
The FBI arrested a Saudi youth in Texas for trying to kill George W. Bush with a homemade nuclear dirty bomb Thursday. He should be sent home. U.S. law would just set him up for life in Guantanamo, but Saudi law would cut off his protons and make him a neutron.
White House former chief of staff Rahm Emanuel was elected mayor of Chicago by a huge margin. It was the usual coalition. Emanuel carried sixty percent of the black vote, sixty-five percent of the women’s vote and one hundred percent of the deceased vote.
Michelle Obama and her two daughters returned to Washington after a skiing trip to Colorado last weekend. Following the trip she told an interviewer she does not allow her daughters to go on Facebook. They have enough phony friends, they’re in politics.
Moammar Khadaffi vowed a fight to the death Thursday in his radio address. His bodyguards are lipstick-wearing virgins with machine guns over bare shoulders. His entrance is so strong that a Las Vegas hotel just offered to build a show around him called Cirque du Jerk.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.28.11

Leave a Comment