Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Jeopardy! crowned a new champ when IBM’s Watson super-computer clobbered Ken Jennings. It knew almost everything. President Obama just invited Watson to the White House to ask him how to push democracy in the Mideast without losing our oil and naval bases.
Lindsay Lohan revealed plans Friday to open a clothing and jewelry boutique in New York and L.A. with her mother. Her movie career is in a lull. Since being arraigned on charges of grand theft last week the only job offer she has gotten is from the Somali pirates.
CBS News reporter Serene Branson froze up and babbled incoherently on the air last Sunday covering the Grammys. She forgot her words and spoke jibberish. As a result of what happened, she’s been asked to sing the National Anthem at next year’s Super Bowl.
Kobe Bryant’s hands and feet were enshrined in cement in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater on Hollywood Boulevard Saturday. He’s insufferable. Six men must accompany Kobe whenever he dines out at a restaurant, two for security and four to hold the VIP rope.
President Obama proposed a budget that doesn’t cut Social Security or Medicare or Medicaid Monday, avoiding entitlements altogether. It paints the GOP in a corner. Republicans just realized if he won’t touch sacred cows then he’s not Muslim, he’s a Hindu.
Wisconsin Senate Democrats fled to Illinois Thursday to deny Republicans a budget vote quorum. It was a brilliant move. They went to a Best Western with an indoor pool next to a bar so when they come home with bloodshot eyes they can blame it on swimming.
Milwaukee canceled school again Friday when teachers called in sick to protest at the capitol. They held up protest signs comparing the governor to Hitler, Mussolini and Cheney. Dick Cheney just hired Charlie Sheen’s publicist to improve his public image.
Jesse Jackson led Wisconsin teachers in the singing of We Shall Overcome Friday. It was the first time the song was sung by a crowd averaging a hundred thousand dollars a year with benefits. What are they overcoming, how hard it is to get good help nowadays?
Wisconsin union protesters stormed the governor’s private residence Friday. They were aided by Obama’s Organizing for America group. It’s a sure sign Obama’s President Reagan and President Kennedy phase is over, this week he’s president of the Teamsters.
Wisconsin state employees questioned the state’s budget deficit Friday because the dairy industry is booming. Dairy prices are skyrocketing. Owning cheese is such a status symbol that George Hamilton will be arriving at the Academy Awards riding Elsie the Cow.
Donald Trump told interviewers Thursday his experience will help make him a great president in dealing with the deficit. That’s true. His plan is to take government tax revenue, comb it over the deficit, and it’ll look to everyone like we’ve balanced the budget.
President Obama had dinner in San Francisco with high-tech CEOs including Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg. He wants help getting young entrepreneurs to lead us out of this recession. Even marijuana sales are down now because dealers can’t get young people off Facebook.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.22.11

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