Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, February 9, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Super Bowl drew 110 million viewers for Fox Sunday. A study said high-carb game-day snacks like pizza, nachos and beer feminizes men by lowering their testosterone level. By the end of the game, there were never so many people ready to enjoy an episode of Glee.
President Obama didn’t call and congratulate the Green Bay Packers after the Super Bowl Sunday. He may be an American after all. Only a real Bears fan would rather lose Wisconsin’s 10 electoral votes next year than call and congratulate the Green Bay Packers.
WikiLeaks revealed Sunday that President Obama handed British nuclear secrets to Russia to get the START Treaty done. To placate our nation’s enemy, he sold out our nation’s mother. It’s what the nation would go through once a week if it had a Hollywood agent.
President Obama spoke to a Chamber of Commerce convention Monday that clapped only twice in 35 minutes. He refused to take his speechwriters’ advice. They told him that the only way to win over a business crowd is to open with an Obama joke.
Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer was told Monday she may face charges for allegedly stealing a necklace from a Los Angeles jewelry store. She’s already on drug probation and under investigation for assault. Her lawyer is urging her to plead prison overcrowding.
A Palm Beach priest admitted Friday he broke his celibacy vows and had sex with an adult woman. The guy’s only human. Priests in Palm Beach can listen to just so many Kennedy confessions over the years before they start wondering what they’ve been missing.
Britain’s Wild Animal Park’s new gorilla just taught itself to walk upright on its hind legs. It’s on film. However it’s widely suspected that for the second time in his career, Arnold Schwarzenegger is starting at the bottom and working his way up.
Senate Democrats vowed to cut off U.S. military sales to Egypt if President Mubarak stays in power Monday. It could upset our peace plan. Last week we sold 50 anti-missile batteries to Egypt so they can shoot down the 50 cruise missiles we just sold to Israel.
President Obama said Sunday he will listen to GOP ideas to improve health care reform. He desperately wants consensus. Yesterday President Obama said he’s willing to meet the Republicans halfway on the issue of his birthplace and agree he was born in Casablanca.
Fox News reporter Greg Palkot was beaten up in Cairo by pro-government thugs Friday. It wasn’t personal. The thugs had just beaten up NBC, ABC and CNN reporters and their publicist advised them that to be fair and balanced they needed to beat up someone from Fox News.
Hosni Mubarak’s wealth was calculated by forensic accountants Monday at $40 billion. Half of it is in cash and half of it is tied up in Los Angeles real estate. That’s why he has to call the bank three times a day to check his balance.
Los Angeles issued a health advisory Monday teaching children how to safely use Ecstasy when they attend Coliseum rave parties which make big bucks for the city. It’s a new low in the War on Drugs. Try to imagine Nancy Reagan teaching children 30 years ago to Just Stay Hydrated.
NFL owners dangled a labor settlement offer to the NFL players union Saturday in Dallas. It offers the players the money they want in exchange for playing 18 games a season. When the Chilean miners emerged after being trapped underground for two months, NFL owners were the only ones who noticed they didn’t come up with any copper.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 2.9.11

Leave a Comment