Posted: Thursday, February 3, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Hosni Mubarak agreed to step down Tuesday, a week after he shut Egypt off from the Internet. That really backfired on him. The fastest way to get one million men out of their houses and onto the streets is to prevent them from downloading porn.
Farmers Insurance agreed to pay seven hundred million dollars for naming rights to the proposed NFL stadium in Los Angeles Tuesday. It’d be named Farmers Field. They think they can solve Los Angeles’s budget problems by having the government pay us not to play football.
Chicago was hit by a blizzard that closed O’Hare Airport on Tuesday. The storm blew in from the West Coast. Apparently the admitting nurse opened up Charlie Sheen’s briefcase when he checked into rehab on Sunday forgetting she had left the window open.
The National Enquirer reported that Sarah Palin’s husband Todd has begun seeing a massage therapist for a romantic liaison. That’s not been confirmed. However, Bristol Palin did announce Monday she has a new boyfriend but there’s no word yet on the baby’s name.
Egypt’s president Hosni Mubarak agreed to step down Tuesday, one week after Arab governments fell in Tunisia, Yemen and Jordan. They’re falling one right after the other. Domino’s in the Middle East now guarantees you a new government at your door within thirty minutes.
Hosni Mubarak agreed to exit as Egypt’s president in September after new elections are held. During thirty-two years in office, he’s survived six assassination attempts by gunmen during his speeches. The point is, if he likes a joke, he’s not afraid to open with it.
Hillary Clinton urged Egypt’s street protesters to remain calm Monday and she told the Egyptian Army to use restraint. Rioting and burning and looting followed. Nothing calms down a million observant Muslims like a Methodist woman telling them what to do.
The White House evacuated U.S. diplomats and staff from Cairo Monday, flying them to Crete. There was mush confusion. When the State Department ordered all non-essential U.S. personnel to evacuate the capital city, Joe Biden hopped on the next train to Scranton.
Jordan’s King Hussein changed governments Tuesday as young people in the Arab world continued organizing protests on social network sites. The ruling order is threatened by the web. The Grand Mullah just ordered all women in Saudi Arabia to cover their Facebooks.
The Border Patrol stepped up efforts to catch drug smugglers operating produce trucks in California. Last week they found twelve hundred pounds of cocaine in a broccoli truck. Young people still won’t eat broccoli but they’ve never thought longer about it.
Taco Bell was sued Thursday for allegedly not meeting the minimum requirements of acceptable ground beef in their tacos. It doesn’t seem fair to single out Mexican fast food ground beef. It’s just doing the job that American ground beef refuses to do.
Democrats announced plans Tuesday to hold their next convention in Charlotte, choosing it over safe Democratic cities up north. Genius move. Democrats have been watching the news all week, and they think they can rally the base to rescue Obama if they convene in a city that’ll have one million men outside on the streets demanding that the president resign.
GOP Congresswoman Michelle Bachman gave the Tea Party response to the State of the Union in which she said that the Founding Fathers ended slavery when they wrote the Constitution. This, an hour after the president said the government has the power to force a citizen to buy health insurance. It’s all right there in the Declaration of Just Wing It.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.3.11