Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, February 2, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The King’s Speech won Best Picture at Sunday’s SAG Awards. The next day the role of Superman went to a British actor, meaning Superman, Spider-Man and Batman are all played by Britons. Right now the U.S. and Egypt couldn’t be moving in two more opposite directions.
The Australian Open featured a breakout performance by Chinese tennis star Li Na last weekend. She’s the first Chinese player to reach a Grand Slam final. She’s also the only player on the pro tour who can completely assemble a tennis racket in-between sets.
CBS announced Monday it plans to stand by Two-and-a-Half Men star Charlie Sheen in rehab. The network pays him a million and a quarter per episode through twenty-two episodes next season. And by episodes, the network means anything involving a police call.
Steve Garvey formed an investment group Monday to try to buy the L.A. Dodgers. He has the right image but it’s in the wrong sport. Late in his career Steve Garvey fathered three kids by three different women, but none of the NBA teams are currently up for sale.
The Weather Channel issued frost warnings for forty states Monday as an Arctic cold front sent temperatures below zero. The nation is a virtual icebox. Americans watching the chaos in Cairo saw the rioters wearing short sleeves and the chaos looked pretty good.
Cairo had a huge anti-government march Monday where some Muslim Brotherhood leaders called for an Islamic republic. The White House remained calm. President Obama is not officially the next Jimmy Carter until the Egyptians start taking American hostages.
Egyptian protests reached a sixth day in Cairo Monday. There’s no mistaking a sense of human brotherhood in the air. Last night the news showed a Sunni, a Shiite, and a Coptic Christian running down the streets of Cairo, and they were carrying King Tut together.
Cairo Airport was jammed in confusion Monday as thousands of foreigners tried to flee Egypt. The curfew forced airport check-in agents to be late for work. The airport is so undermanned that the U.S.-bound passengers had to fondle themselves at the security gate.
Egypt’s President Hosni Mubarak cut off Internet access last week to try to break up Cairo protests. He activated a kill-switch that freezes the Internet, leaving users feeling infuriated and helpless. The kill switch goes by the secret code name of Microsoft Windows.
Egypt’s Hosni Mubarak stayed in seclusion as the mobs clamored for his resignation Monday. The riots broke out all over the Mideast over high food prices. Uncle Sam could lose his title as Great Satan to the Iowa farmer who invented a way to turn corn into gasoline.
NBC’s 30 Rock star Tracy Morgan told Charles Barkley before TNT’s Knicks telecast Thursday that he sexually fantasizes about Sarah Palin. They both do. It’s a common fantasy among wealthy men to be with a beautiful armed bodyguard who can lower taxes.
A U.S. judge ruled ObamaCare’s individual mandate unconstitutional Monday. The law forces people in their twenties to buy health insurance. The way to get that generation to buy a health care policy is to call it i-Bod and make it free if you switch to Verizon today.
Mexican drug smugglers were spotted using a catapult to launch marijuana bales over the border fence into the U.S. last week. The operation is shut down. The smugglers got away, and the catapult signed a two-year contract to quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.2.11

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