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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, January 19, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

PALM SPRINGS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
China President Hu Jintao arrived in Washington Tuesday to meet with President Obama. Tonight they will honor the Chinese official who planned the trip, made the travel arrangements and transferred the luggage to the hotel. It’s his tenth birthday.
China’s President Hu Jintao lectured the U.S. about its currency Sunday ahead of his arrival in Washington for a state dinner. That’s presumptuous. He thinks that just because he loaned us fourteen trillion dollars he’ll get to meet Michaela Salahi.
President Obama greeted Hu Jintao at the White House Wednesday and treated him to an official state dinner. The other state dinner he hosted was for India. We’ve re-adopted the centuries-old British custom of throwing one party a year for the help.
Pope Benedict accused the Chinese government of imposing strict limitations on freedom of religion in China Thursday. The pope isn’t likely to go too hard on the Chinese. They make his robes for ten percent of what the Italians used to charge him.
Advertising Age released a study Monday showing that Tiger Woods was the least effective celebrity endorser last year. His sex scandal wrecked his advertising brand. Any man who doesn’t have the sense to erase his text messages is no role model.
South Carolina schoolchildren had to go to classes Monday on the Martin Luther King holiday to make up for last week’s snow days. There were widespread protests throughout the state. They don’t want kids going to school on Robert E. Lee’s Birthday.
The U.S. government scuttled the virtual fence on the Mexican border Friday and plan to replace it with thermal imagining monitored by Homeland Security. It’s just going to confuse them. They’re going to think we’re being invaded by the Blue Man Group.
Nevada led all states on a list published by banks Friday with the highest number of real estate foreclosures. It has spread to the hotel casinos. The Nevada economy is so bad that Treasure Island in Las Vegas is now being managed by Somali pirates.
President Obama supported Southern Sudan’s secession from Sudan Sunday to form South Sudan. It reveals his ruthless side. Backing Southern Secession on Martin Luther King weekend shows the president will do whatever it takes to beat Sarah Palin.
The Pentagon issued a study saying it’s time to let women serve in combat. They’ve completed their research. They threw a terrorist into a cage with Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar and Barbara Walters and witnessed three violations of the Geneva Convention.
The New York Mercantile Exchange saw oil near a hundred dollars a barrel Friday. Gas prices could be headed back up to four dollars per gallon once again. By the time summer vacation arrives it will be cheaper to mail your car to wherever you’re going.
Tiger Mothers is a hot new book recommending that American mothers raise their kids like Chinese mothers, who require their children to make all A’s and allow no play dates, no school plays, no TV and no video games. It’s an outrage. Americans don’t need the Chinese to tell us to work harder and have less fun, we have Obama for that.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

Published in The Messenger 1.19.11

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