Argus Hamilton 1.13.11

Argus Hamilton 1.13.11

Posted: Thursday, January 13, 2011 8:01 pm

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Weather Channel reports a blizzard and ice storms swept the South this week, leaving trucks stranded on the roads for two days. Low temperature records were set all over Dixie. It was so cold in Arkansas that dead penguins were falling from the sky.
The Consumer Electron-ics Show got under way in Las Vegas Tuesday showcasing all the new gadgets. The next big thing is three-dimensional TV. To add depth to each episode next fall, CSI will feature at least one character reading Tolstoy in the break room.
The History Channel decided not to air this year’s already-filmed mini-series about Jack Kennedy due to its raunchy content. America once enjoyed Kennedy sexual romps, but times have changed. Now NBC Dateline is planning a new show called “ Catch a Kennedy.”
NASA got 400 people to volunteer to take a one-way trip to colonize Mars. The timing is unfair. They always ask if anyone would like to move to Mars in January when the weather’s miserable, the Cowboys are eliminated and Congress returns to work.
China posted its marriage license database online Tuesday to flush out adulterous husbands to unknowing girlfriends. It got Washington’s attention. It’s the only time anybody’s heard both Democrats and Republicans complain about too much government.
Rush Limbaugh tried to improve his golf swing in the Hank Haney Project on the Golf Channel beginning Tuesday. It’s already gotten ugly. Halfway through the first round, the sheriff of Tucson blamed Rush Limbaugh for the violence in Tiger Woods’ driveway.
Tucson Sheriff Clarence Dupnik blamed Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh for Tucson’s shootings. It hardly merited their response. Rush called him a fool and the only thing Sarah Palin will say about her role in last weekend’s shooting is that the moose fired first.
Tucson shooter Jared Loughner said Monday he employs lucid dreaming to live in an alternative reality. The last thing the state needed was another immigration problem. Apparently Charles Manson now has a nice side business selling fake passports and visas to borderline psychotics to help them cross the border from the Matrix into Arizona.
John Boehner was calm in managing the Tucson shooting reaction on Capitol Hill Monday. He refused to play the Washington game of using a tragedy to score cheap political points. It could land him in front of the House Ethics Committee for ruining the curve.
Democratic House leader Jim Clyburn blamed the Tucson shootings Tuesday on the reading of the U.S. Constitution on the floor of Congress last week. He said reading the U.S. Constitution out loud was an attempt to de-legitimize the president. So he listened to it.
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates visited China Tuesday, where he predicted that North Korea will have missiles that can reach Southern California in five years. People in Los Angeles are buzzing about it. At last an Asian restaurant that delivers.
Lindsay Lohan moved to Venice Beach south of Santa Monica Friday. It’s a big boost for the neighborhood. Every time she tosses her cocaine out the car window when a cop pulls her over, it increases the property value wherever it lands by $300.
WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange was in a London court Tuesday to fight extradition to Sweden to face charges of unsafe sex made by two Swedish women. He claims the U.S. would extradite him for spying and send him to Guantanamo. Women haven’t officially taken over the world until womanizers are sent to Guantanamo for not wearing a condom.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 1.13.11

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