Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, January 10, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Bill Clinton was honored by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals Friday because of his new vegan diet. We know the pattern too well. First Bill vows to follow his vegan diet faithfully and then he gets caught having a Big Mac under the desk in his office.
Brett Favre was sued for sex harassment by masseuses Monday after he was fined for sex-texting a Playboy model. His future is certain. Twenty years ago Americans stopped electing presidents for their experience and began electing them for their entertainment value.
Playboy hosted a press conference Friday introducing the January centerfold Larissa Riquelme of Paraguay. For the first time the magazine is showing the centerfold model in three-dimensional photographs. Sure, it’s all fun and games until somebody loses an eye.
China’s government posted all marriage licenses online Thursday to try to halt their epidemic of bigamy, mistresses and adultery. The truth is finally coming out. Never trust any country that has one billion people and tells you that ping pong is their favorite sport.
The U.S. Constitution was read aloud in Congress by House Members Thursday. They edited out the parts allotting congressional apportionment to slave states. Slavery ended when Abraham Lincoln signed the proclamation granting Home Depot its first parking lot.
House Republicans were careful Thursday to allow the U.S. Constitution to be read by Members of both political parties. What a day. It was obvious the world is upside down when Ben Quayle walked into the chamber and took a seat in the advanced reading circle.
Southwest Airlines revealed expansion plans Monday, saying the airline could soon be making international flights. It sparked curiosity from frequent fliers. For nearly a century travelers have wondered what it would be like to take a bus across the Atlantic.
A United Airlines pilot knocked over his coffee on his instrument panel Wednesday causing the plane to transmit a hijacking signal beam. Other pilots can’t believe coffee set off the warning. Nothing ever happens when they spill whiskey on the instrument panel.
U.S. and British construction firms broke ground on the huge new Spy Center in Utah Friday. It’s in a Republican state with no minority population and it’s being built for U.S. and British intelligence. If President Obama ever finds out, he’s going to be furious.
President Obama angered liberals Friday by appointing JP Morgan’s William Daley as his chief of staff. He’s the architect of NAFTA, which infuriated unions. Last month Obama met with Native American chiefs who gave him his Indian name, Dances with Wall Street.
Bill O’Reilly will interview President Obama before Fox’s Super Bowl telecast. This past month he’s let the rich keep their tax cuts, named a Wall Streeter his chief of staff and now he’s going to boost Fox News. Obama plans to argue why ObamaCare just won’t work.
The New York Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices continue rising Thursday, which could derail the recovery. Still, it’s great news for oil states. Sunday schools in Texas and Oklahoma teach that on the eighth day, God created the internal combustion engine.
Oprah Winfrey launched her own cable network Monday and named it after herself, starring herself. Is there enough attention in the world for this woman? Yesterday Oprah walked onstage and gave each studio audience member a Nobel Peace Prize for Attendance.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.10.11

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