Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, January 5, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Enjoy part two of our look back at things that made us laugh in 2010.
JULY — The World Cup brought soccer fans to South Africa from all over the world this week. One quarterfinal bracket consists of Germany, Uruguay, Paraguay and Brazil. For all the Nazi-hunters from the Simon Wiesenthal Center it’s like a Farmer’s Market.
President Obama demanded amnesty for illegals Tuesday, the same day health care reform put a tax on tanning booths. It’s nuts. Leave it to Democrats to subsidize brown people who want to be Americans and tax Americans who want to be browner people.
AUGUST — Fox News host Greg Gutfeld vowed to open a gay disco across the street from the proposed mosque near Ground Zero, The FBI actually likes the idea. It’ll give us an extra three hundred pair of eyes on every young man who goes in and out of the mosque.
Roger Clemens was indicted Thursday for telling the U.S. government he never did steroids. Earlier in the day the Iraq War officially ended when the U.S. government told Roger Clemens that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Let’s just call it even.
SEPTEMBER — Pastor Terry Jones faced a press conference Thursday and canceled his planned Koran burning on his church lawn. There was palpable relief in Asia. The pastor’s Southern accent led many people in the world to think he was planning to burn Koreans.
Michelle Obama vowed to re-submit her Healthy Foods Initiative to Congress next session in January. Not all Democrats are enlisted in the food police. When Bill Clinton was president the White House had two kitchens, a pantry and its own McDonald’s.
OCTOBER — Chilean miners were jubilant Friday when all thirty-three men emerged from the mine after two months. Cheers in Chile turned to concern in Arizona. The U.S. Border Patrol isn’t prepared to deal with illegal aliens coming from the center of the earth.
George W. Bush’s memoir Decision Points was sent to bookstores Tuesday for sale next week. He’s so missed by comedians. In the book Bush lists the twelve toughest decisions he had to make as president, and three of them were rock, paper or scissors.
NOVEMBER — President Obama fled the election results Wednesday and flew to India where he will give a televised speech to their Congress. It’s a great place for him to make a speech. If Barack Obama’s Teleprompter breaks in India, tech support is a local call.
President Obama admitted he hit no home runs at the Group of Twenty Summit. He was diminished by the U.S. elections. If the world stage were a Nativity Scene, Obama would be a cow sitting sidestage reminding the other cows that he was Jesus last year.
DECEMBER — Prince William gave Kate Middleton his mother’s engagement ring Thursday. When Lady Diana got engaged to Prince Charles she had to pass a virginity test. At U.S. airports this week four dozen American women were cleared by the TSA to marry royalty.
President Obama accused Republicans of taking the middle class hostage Tuesday during his press conference, and he twice referred to the GOP as hostage-takers. The comment backfired. Now Republicans are more popular in the Muslim world than Obama is.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.5.11

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