Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, January 4, 2011 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
It’s time for our annual look back at the year in jokes. Here’s part one, come back tomorrow for part two.
JANUARY — Osama bin Laden took credit for the Underwear Bomber’s airline bombing attempt over Detroit on Christmas Day. He doesn’t know if the attempt succeeded. Looking at an aerial view of Detroit you can’t tell if the bomb went off or it didn’t.
Charlie Sheen lost his Hanes deal Tuesday for assaulting his wife on Christmas Day. It shows the clout of feminism. On a day when a Nigerian uses men’s briefs to try to blow up a plane Charlie Sheen is blamed for ruining the good name of underwear.
FEBRUARY — Tiger Woods announced Monday he will open a Tiger Woods Learning Center in two Washington, D.C., schools. It’s a win-win. Tiger can teach the kids how to hit a golf ball and the kids can teach Tiger how to erase text messages before Mommy reads them.
The Super Bowl nixed a TV ad showing two men watching the game as their hands touch in a potato chip bowl. They lose control and kiss. The NFL has always taught us that beer will make you sexy but they won’t teach us that potato chips make you gay.
MARCH — Texas Congressman Ron Paul won the presidential straw poll at the Conservative Conference in Washington Saturday. He’s a gynecologist. Of all the conservatives, he’s the one who’s most like Ronald Reagan, only those aren’t his feet in the stirrups.
Fidel Castro said Monday it was a miracle that President Obama got Health Care Reform passed but added that Obama’s a capitalist-imperialist. How sweet. Leave it to Castro to issue a statement which makes both Democrats and Republicans proud of President Obama.
APRIL — Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said Wednesday U.S. troops are making progress in Afghanistan. Just last week U.S. forces captured the Taliban’s No. 2 leader. This sounds like a big deal until you realize that Joe Biden is our No. 2 leader.
Mel Gibson’s racist rant was secretly tape recorded by lover Oksana Grigorieva with a microphone in her earrings. It’s sad. How can a guy who’s seen all the racial progress in this country over the last 40 years forget that all Russians are spies?
MAY — British Petroleum launched a massive effort to plug the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Every night people get angrier seeing oil-covered pelicans on the TV news. If Americans want to see oil-covered birds, they’ll go to Kentucky Fried Chicken.
General Motors an-nounced its first electric car, the Chevy Volt, will hit their auto showrooms this Christmas. Alternative energy cars are the rage. Ford is developing a new car that runs on water, but so far it only runs on water from the Gulf of Mexico.
JUNE — BP pointed out Thursday the oil spill has resulted in thousands of new jobs in the Gulf. They have a right to brag. It shows that a private company can create more jobs when it screws up than the government can when it’s firing on all cylinders.
President Obama held a press conference Thursday to address the Gulf of Mexico oil spill reaching Florida. It’s getting worse. After the press conference, the president met Bill Clinton for lunch, the first sign that the slick had reached Obama.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.4.11

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