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Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, December 29, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
 Hawaii’s holiday college basketball tourney was spoiled by a brawl between two Mississippi State teammates caught on TV. It’s the national mood. Fistfights broke out in airports across the country over whether canceled is spelled with one l or two.
 Budweiser heir August Busch’s lover died in his home Thursday under suspicious conditions. Thirty years ago another one of his girlfriends died mysteriously. He just asked for a change of venue to Los Angeles so he can be tried under celebrity law.
 Walgreen’s announced Wednesday it will not sell the women’s morning-after pill to men unless they are accompanied by their female partners. Drugmakers have just made a morning-after pill that’s for men. It changes their DNA and their phone number.
 Hugh Hefner announced he will marry twenty-four-year-old Crystal Harris. Everyone’s thrilled. Her parents have been waiting for the day when she’d be changing diapers and straining baby food, but she doesn’t plan to invite them to her honeymoon.
 N.Y. Jets coach Rex Ryan refused comment Friday about him and his wife appearing together on a foot fetish website for swingers. It’s bad. The NFL is investigating Rex Ryan for texting a photograph of his big toe to New York Jets hostess Jenn Sterger.
 South Carolina saw its first White Christmas Saturday when blizzards swept the South. Everything’s iced over. It was so cold in South Carolina that civil rights demonstrators were demanding that Admiral Byrd’s flag be lowered at the state capitol.
 New York completely shut down Monday after a driving blizzard closed all three airports. The canceled flights stranded everybody. Airline employees went through the terminal with forty thousand blankets and within an hour they’d sold all of them.
The NFL postponed Sunday’s Eagles game with the Vikings due to the blizzard. It would have been Brett Favre’s last game. He’d have been so brittle due to the cold he could have gotten his head knocked off, which is exactly how Ted Williams ended up.
Haiti erupted in rioting over the cholera epidemic Monday as roaming street mobs lynched voodoo priests from trees and lampposts. It’s a familiar story. When the witch doctors stopped taking Medicare patients the seniors didn’t take it so well.
Homeland Security arrested a man at Los Angeles Airport trying to enter the U.S. with fourteen pounds of cocaine disguised as Easter eggs. That distorts the Easter message. This doesn’t say that he is risen, this says that he’s been up for four days.
GOP House Speaker John Boehner vowed Monday that Health Care Reform will never be implemented while Republicans control Congress. He takes the battle over the health care law very seriously. That ten percent tax on tanning salons hits him where he lives.
Hawaii’s Governor Neil Abercrombie vowed Monday to release President Obama’s birth records. Obama spent his youth moving from Hawaii to Indonesia to Los Angeles and then to Harvard. Every step of his life took him further and further away from America.
Scenic Traveler RV Center in Wisconsin reported a twenty-five percent increase in the sale of Recreational Vehicles in the last six months. It’s a smart economic decision by consumers. Bankers can’t foreclose on something they can’t catch.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

Published in The Messenger 12.29.10

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