Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Monday, October 11, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Brent Musberger told a college journalism class at Montana Tuesday he believes pro athletes should be allowed to take steroids. However, a side effect of steroid use is that it depresses the sex drive in men who use the drug. So it could save golf.
John Lennon’s application for U.S. citizenship 33 years ago was seized by the FBI from a New York auction house Tuesday. They’re examining the document now. Applications in English take 33 years for the U.S. government to process.
Malibu Beach was designated the world’s first protected surfing reserve Friday by the California Coastal Commission. Mel Gibson is upset. Harpooning surfers is the only way he has to get his aggressions out without offending women and minorities.
The Tea Party held its national convention in Virginia this weekend. The party has a clear view of the country’s future and they just have to agree on how to get there. So far they’ve agreed that South Carolina should secede first, out of tradition.
John Edwards was subpoenaed for presidential campaign records Thursday. It’s so sad. We had a primary race between Edwards, Hillary and Obama, and Democrats chose to wreck the nation’s economy rather than go through four more years of adultery jokes.
President Obama gave McDonald’s a health care waiver Friday despite Michelle’s crusade against fast food. He’s cheating on her Healthy Eating Initiative. Last night she came upstairs to the living quarters and caught him in bed with a corn dog.
White House advisor David Axelrod accused Fox News of fanning rumors President Obama wasn’t born in the U.S. The issue’s already settled. Last week investigators were able to track down and produce Barack Obama’s birth certificate on Hawaii-Five-O.
President Obama addressed a rally in Maryland Thursday where 15 people were treated for dizziness and fainting before he arrived. Democrats were upset. There was a time when people at Obama rallies fainted out of excitement and not out of hunger.
MTV executives hand-picked the audience for President Obama’s town hall on MTV next week. They want a crowd reflecting ethnic, racial and gender diversity. They want a town hall that looks like America, not the America that shows up at town halls.
President Obama spoke to Forbes’ Most Powerful Women convention in Washington Wednesday. His Teleprompter went out and his presidential seal fell off the lectern and smashed on the floor. GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell denies being a witch, but she’s one of America’s most powerful women, so they couldn’t kick her out of the auditorium.
Pakistani agents were caught urging the Afghan Taliban to fight on against the U.S. and British troops. The Pakistanis were uncovered as a weak and unreliable ally. We should have been tougher on them during Hell Week before we let them get initiated.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 10.11.10

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