Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, October 6, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama told voters Thursday his recovery plan will begin yielding new jobs soon. That’s a little misleading. Just because the jobs of Speaker of the House and Senate Majority Leader are about to open up doesn’t mean that anyone can apply for them.
The Los Angeles Lakers landed in London to play an exhibition game Monday amid the travel warnings in Europe due to the terrorism threat. There very well might have been a terrorist on the plane with them. In the NBA nobody gets called for traveling.
Donald Trump hinted Monday he might run for president as Hew Hampshire GOP polls gauged his electability. He’s a rich white guy with bad hair and a huge ego. Americans are sure to elect him, if only as a make-good to comedians after four years of President Obama.
The U.N. named Malaysian Mazlan Othman to head the Office of Outer Space Affairs last week. Her job is to communicate with any aliens who try to contact mankind. Meg Whitman is advertising for a new housekeeper and the applications are bound to start coming in.
Munich had riots on the last day of Oktoberfest Sunday with a million revelers going wild in the city square. It was a Viking orgy. The next day’s tallying revealed they ate a hundred and twenty oxen, sixty calves, six thousand chickens, and the accordion player is missing.
CNN fired host Rick Sanchez Friday for saying that Jon Stewart is a Jewish bigot who hates Hispanics like him and that Jews control the media. He said this Friday. What better way to kick off Hispanic Heritage Month in America than a re-enactment of the Inquisition.
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger reduced the penalty for pot possession to a one hundred dollar fine in California Monday. It’s no different than a traffic ticket. However, if you smoke pot in a restaurant or a bar it’s still the death penalty.
White House former chief of staff Rahm Emanuel arrived in Illinois Monday to start his campaign for mayor of Chicago by meeting the voters. He began his first day of campaigning with a respectful walk through a local cemetery. He’s on a listening tour.
Walter Mondale published a book Monday urging liberals to fight harder against conservatives. He’s particularly incensed against the Religious Right. Walter Mondale said there is no place for God in politics, and apparently God felt the same way about Walter Mondale.
President Obama vowed to train ten thousand new math and science teachers Friday. The potential is there. Thousands of kids in Los Angeles know the metric system and can use a triple-beam scale but none of them want to take a thousand percent pay cut to teach it in school.
Journal Science said that people who work with their laptops on their laps risk getting Toasted Skin Syndrome. It’s been known for awhile. When the White House slapped a tax on tanning salons in July, George Hamilton began typing with his laptop on his face.
Bank of America announced Friday it’s going to stop evicting people from their homes and stop foreclosing on houses in twenty-three states. The bank’s board of directors made the decision for humanitarian reasons. The paperwork was killing their loan officers.
Abe Lincoln was repeatedly described as a man of the people Saturday at a socialist rally at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington. Actually he was a rich railroad lawyer. If Abe Lincoln were a man of the people, he’d have sat with them in the theater and served two full terms.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 10.06.10

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