Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Saturday, October 2, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Pentagon hinted Wednesday the U.S. is considering a military attack on Iran’s nuclear facilities. It’s sad it had to end this way. President Obama could have to give back his Nobel Peace Prize a week after Reggie Bush had to give back the Heisman Trophy.
Los Angeles broke out in brushfires Wednesday after days of 100-degree heat. It was hard to see or breathe. For the first time in history, smoke actually blew inside Paris Hilton’s Escalade when the officer ordered her to roll down the window.
Tiger Woods said Wednesday he was grateful for his warm welcome in Wales for the Ryder Cup. Everybody’s pulling for him. Bill Clinton called Tiger and told him to pace himself on the golf course, reminding him that the sport of adultery is bigger than any one athlete.
TLC’s Sister Wives faces cancellation after the star was busted for polygamy by Utah police Tuesday. The show follows the advertising salesman and his four wives. There’s an easier way to wake up with a different woman every morning but alcohol isn’t for everybody.
Toronto’s High Court legalized prostitution Tuesday, ruling that Canada’s laws banning prostitution are unconstitutional. Change was swift. Now hookers clog the sidewalks, customers jam the streets and everyone stands before the Toronto Blue Jays game and sings Ho Canada.
President Obama gave a halting and sincere witness of his Christian beliefs Tuesday in Albuquerque. It made viewers squirm. President Bush used to hire audience members to throw shoes at him anytime he spoke for more than a minute without getting a laugh.
Sen. John Kerry said Tuesday Democrats are in trouble because the electorate is misinformed and swayed by simple slogans. This is a major shift. Democrats used to say that everything is Bush’s fault, now they say everyone’s just like Bush, so everyone shares the blame.
President Obama flew to Iowa Wednesday to do a backyard discussion with voters, then later flew to Virginia for another backyard town hall. He’s trying desperately to win back the suburban independent voters. He just came out in favor of re-segregating the schools.
Fidel Castro gave a two-hour speech to the Cuban people Tuesday in his longest speech since retiring. The Cuban health care system certainly kept him alive. Since he took over in Cuba 50 years ago Fidel Castro has had two nasty health scares, Jack and Bobby.
World Wrestling CEO and GOP Senate candidate Linda McMahon surged in the polls in Connecticut Tuesday to tie Democrat Richard Blumenthal. She’s on an impossible quest. She hopes to go to Washington D.C. and raise politics to the level of professional wrestling.
Michelle Obama’s bill in Congress to rid schools of candy and cola got delayed until after the election. What children eat in school now depends on who wins the midterms. The children with learner’s permits are offering to drive their parents to the polls if they’ll vote Republican.
Nancy Pelosi ducked a vote to extend tax cuts by adjourning Congress Wednesday on the same day that polls showed she was less popular than British Petroleum. It makes no sense. BP handed out $20 billion while she handed out $700 billion.
The Pentagon launched Predator drone attacks on al-Qaeda training camps Tuesday in Pakistan. The terrorists promise 72 virgins to any recruit who reports to training camp. They got the idea by keeping up with Ben Roethlisberger on Twitter during the off-season.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 10.01.10

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