Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Thursday, September 30, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
GOP strategist Karl Rove formed a task force Monday to help elect a Republican party majority in Congress next month. They’re getting pretty cocky. Last night Karl Rove went on TV and floated the idea of replacing the Department of Education with the Glenn Beck show.
Queen Elizabeth was reported Monday to have sought help from Parliament to pay her castle heating bills. Royal finances are so shaky that Prince William may have to agree to a Las Vegas wedding. A future king can be married in an Elvis chapel, he just can’t hold the title of king.
The Mercantile Exchange in New York saw the price of gold hit an all-time high of thirteen hundred dollars an ounce Tuesday. It’s gotten everyone’s attention. California drug gangs have stopped killing each other over street corners, now it’s claim-jumping.
Jimmy Carter’s Presidential Diary hit the bookstores Monday. He presided over a huge recession and a drug epidemic, while Iran held Americans prisoner. The difference is that back then Ronald Reagan was waiting in the wings and today he’s waiting with wings.
The Weather Channel said Los Angeles recorded the hottest temperatures in city history Monday. No one could escape the one hundred-and-fifteen-degree heat. It was so hot in Beverly Hills that Lindsay Lohan was sticking to her plea-bargain agreement.
Pat Boone hosted a Tea Party rally in Beverly Hills Sunday, where he sang a few of his hit songs. The guy never changes. Last year Pat Boone had hip replacement surgery but within a month he was back to clapping on one-three and telling Little Moron jokes.
Tenth Inning by Ken Burns debuted on PBS about how Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig lost control of baseball two decades ago. At one point he refused a demand by Texas Rangers owner George W. Bush to step down. The next guy to do that was overthrown and hanged.
The United Nations named U.N. astrophysicist Mazlan Othman to be Earth’s liaison to any space aliens if they contact mankind. This could result in a lot of good. Americans believe as an article of faith that there has to be cheaper labor out there somewhere.
White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel will step down Friday and return home to Illinois. He’s worked for Bill Clinton, he’s worked for Barack Obama, now he wants to be mayor of Chicago. Rahm once tried to go straight but all he could get was construction work.
Iran reported computer hacking into Iran’s nuclear plant computers Tuesday. The U.S. government is utterly incapable of committing this mischief. President Obama asked Congress in his State of the Union speech to take action against hackers and they raised cigarette taxes.
President Obama gave a scathing interview to Rolling Stone magazine Tuesday. He chewed out Democrats for their lack of commitment to him. First he had to deny that he was a foreigner, then he had to deny that he’s a Muslim, and now he has to deny that he’s a chick who wants to get married.
President Obama expressed his Christian faith Tuesday when he was asked about it on the campaign trail. Each president has his own path to personal redemption. Bill Clinton came to Jesus, George W. Bush talked with Jesus, and Barack Obama fills in for Jesus on major holidays.
President Obama went on the Today show Monday and proposed year-round school for kids and no snack food on school campuses. The administration wants to cancel summer vacation and eliminate candy bars and soft drinks. Democrats possess a finely-honed sense of tragedy and despair which sustains them through life’s brief periods of joy.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.30.10

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