Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Tuesday, September 28, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Lindsay Lohan was sent to jail by her judge in Beverly Hills Friday after she flunked two drug tests on probation. The judge denied bail and incarcerated her. She made a big mistake telling him she didn’t have time to read his screenplay, and now she’s got ninety days.
Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmad-inejad told the U.N. Thursday the U.S. was behind the World Trade Center attacks. That’s untrue, Osama bin Laden is the undisputed author of the attack. Before the planes even left the ground he registered it with the Writers Guild.
Iran threatened to close the Persian Gulf to U.S. and British shipping Friday and drive up world oil prices. This time we’re ready for them. That’s why hybrid cars are becoming so popular in America, they only finance terrorism when they’re going uphill.
President Obama was invited to a meeting of all Nobel Peace Prize winners this November in Japan. Of all the awards in the world, it’s the most prestigious and the most highly publicized. People in Los Angeles would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
White House chief economic adviser Larry Summers left the administration Friday to return to Harvard and teach. He said he wants to mold young minds. If he does for Harvard what he did for the economy, they will lose every game to China for the next twenty years.
President Obama’s approval rating hit the lowest point of his presidency Friday at forty-two percent in the Gallup Poll. He looks mauled. All presidents come riding into office on the back of a horse and after two years, all that’s left is the back of the horse.
President Obama was urged by environmentalists Friday to maintain his offshore drilling ban. They don’t care about the economy. Environmentalists believe in their hearts that President Obama can restore this country to what it once was, an Arctic region covered with ice.
U.S. Rep. Loretta Sanchez of Orange County told Spanish TV that the Vietnamese and the Republicans are trying to steal her seat. That’s progress for you. Fourteen years ago her GOP opponent Bob Dornan said the Democrats and the Mexicans were trying to steal his seat.
Jimmy Carter went on CNN Thursday and recalled his human rights campaign when he was president back in the Seventies. It didn’t work out like he planned. He never foresaw the day that it would be harder to get into the United States than it was to get out of the Soviet Union.
Sesame Street edited Katy Perry from the show Friday after she showed too much cleavage in a music video she shot with Elmo. What a mistake by PBS. Walt Disney built an empire by showing Annette Funicello in a sweater every afternoon to seventy million wide-eyed children.
Stephen Colbert gave mock testimony before Congress about illegal aliens Friday that was cleverly scripted and intended to be funny. However, before he spoke the chairman called for silence in the room throughout his testimony. Imagine how much PGA golfers enjoyed watching a comedian having to play from the back tees like they do every week.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 9.28.10

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