Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, September 22, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Paris Hilton pleaded guilty to cocaine possession in Las Vegas on Monday. Drug use has changed dramatically since the recession hit. Californians used to snort cocaine to get high but now they sprinkle it on the lawns to increase the property value.
The National Bureau of Economic Research met Monday and announced that the recession ended over a year ago in June. It prompted jubilation in Washington D.C. President Obama just authorized $2 million in stimulus funds to pay for a Mission Accomplished banner.
Colin Powell defended illegal immigration on Meet the Press Sunday and praised all the work illegal aliens do. He cheerfully admitted that illegal aliens were all over his house. It just goes to show that your view of slavery depends on where you sit and what cards you hold.
President Obama escorted his wife and two daughters from the White House to St. John’s Episcopal Church Sunday where the president attended services. His appearance in church was no surprise at all. We’re all good during the first few days of our Ramadan resolutions.
The NFL ordered a workplace sensitivity program for all NFL teams Wednesday. The league wants to teach players not to objectify women. The NFL will also get rid of all NFL cheerleader posters, cheerleader calendars and cheerleader pajama party videos which don’t sell well.
USA Swimming banned 36 swimming coaches for life Thursday for sexually abusing teenage swimmers. The scandal is spreading. The Vatican moved quickly to deny any association with USA Swimming, pointing out that priests sprinkle, they don’t dunk.
Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell stood by her support of teen abstinence from sex and masturbation Sunday. Bad habits can lead to bad decisions. Pee Wee Herman is still allowed to vote in Florida, he just can’t close the curtains all the way.
Christine O’Donnell admitted she performed witchcraft 10 years ago on Politically Incorrect. Witchcraft explains everything. Baby Boomers have harbored the nagging suspicion for two years that Richard Nixon is back from the dead and is inhabiting Sarah Palin, but now we realize that Palin was just a head fake by Nixon to throw us off the scent.
CraigsList announced Monday it’s closing down its infamous personal ads website on its Internet contacts page which strangers were using to hook up. It’s just as well. The Internet is a place where men are men, where women are men, and where children are FBI agents.
Iran released American hiker Sarah Shourd Friday, one year after they caught her hiking in the mountains west of Teheran near suspected nuclear facilities. She denied being a spy, then she addressed reporters in Arabic and Farsi. It’s the first thing they teach you at hiking school in Langley.
Ground Zero mosque imam Feisal Abdul Rauf argued on Sunday talk shows that Muslims are part of our nation’s fabric. He went on to point out that Muslims work on Wall Street as investment bankers. Every time something crashes, al-Qaeda wants credit for it.
Joe Biden told a crowd Monday he’s second in line for the presidency, prompting a CBS reporter to remind him that he’s first in line, the House Speaker is second in line. Actually Biden’s right. Whenever a Democrat is president, Hillary is right outside the door.
Chicago FBI agents thwarted a terror plot to set off a huge bomb Monday in front of a sports bar outside Wrigley Field, intended to destroy the historic home stadium of the Chicago Cubs. The locals are outraged. They’ve got a lot of great memories associated with that sports bar.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 9.22.10

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