Argus Hamilton 9.17.10
Posted: Saturday, September 18, 2010 8:52 am
By: By Argus Hamilton
The Messenger 09.17.10
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell won the GOP Senate primary in Delaware Tuesday. She has the same face, hair and glasses as Sarah Palin. Republicans will win back the White House if they can get over their objections to nominating Tina Fey for president.
Great White Sharks were spotted off the coast of Malibu beach this past weekend only two hundred yards offshore from the movie star beach houses. It’s where Mel Gibson swims. The sharks stayed calm and tried to remember to poke him in the eyes if he gets too close.
Harlem U.S. Rep. Charlie Rangel drubbed Adam Clayton Powell IV in Tuesday’s Democratic primary. Rangel faces a House corruption trial and Powell has sex scandals. This recession is so terrible that people are giving up entertainment and just voting for straight payoffs.
The New York Jets apologized Wednesday for going crazy in the locker room over Mexican TV sportscaster Ines Sainz. She wore tight jeans, high heels and a low-cut blouse. The Bishop of New Jersey saw her picture in the paper and kicked out a stained glass window.
Tea Party primary wins split the GOP votes Tuesday between retreating moderates and rampaging conservatives. It’ll all work out. Any zookeeper will tell you that it’s easy to get the lion and the lamb to lie down together, just bring in a new lamb every morning.
Cuba announced Monday it will shed 500,000 government bureaucrats and allow private businesses to start hiring. This is big news. We’ve just learned that the private sector is going to come back in America but it’s going to take 50 years.
New Jersey subway conductor Derek Fenton was fired Tuesday for burning a Koran during a Ground Zero mosque protest in Lower Manhattan on Saturday. He wasn’t afraid of any Muslim reprisals. The chances of a plane flying into a subway tunnel are really pretty slim.
The Underwear Bomber chose to represent himself in his terror trial Monday in Michigan. He was prevented by fellow passengers from blowing up a plane while landing in Detroit on Christmas Eve. Everybody who was on that plane deserves a medal for going to Detroit.
Sen. Harry Reid proposed U.S. citizenship Wednesday for any illegal immigrant with two years of college or U.S. military service. It’s controversial. He denied that he’s offering amnesty through the back door but if this were a movie it’d be called Last Tango in Phoenix.
President Obama gave his annual televised back-to-school speech to children on Monday. He told kids to ignore bullies and treat one another with respect, but the speech fell on deaf ears. John Boehner and Newt Gingrich haven’t been in school in decades.
President Obama signed a bill Saturday reducing jail time for crack cocaine. The addiction is treatable. Barack Obama admitted doing coke when he was a young man and George W. Bush invaded a country for having imaginary weapons, and they kicked the habit.
BP will finish sealing its once-ruptured oil well on the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico Sunday by pouring sand and concrete down the hole. No one will ever forget the sight of the oil-covered ducks staggering heroically on the beach. For the rest of their lives, these duck will be blaming the successful clean-up for killing vaudeville.
Ground Zero Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf was accused in a New Jersey court Wednesday of neglecting a four-story apartment building he owns in Jersey City. It has bedbugs, frayed wiring, and no smoke alarms. This is the last place in the world you’d expect to find a flight school.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached for speaking engagements by e-mail at email@example.com.