Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

Posted: Wednesday, September 8, 2010 8:01 pm
By: Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tiger Woods took out a fifty million dollar mortgage on his Florida house Friday, indicating a post-divorce cash-flow problem. He hasn’t yet lost all his commercial endorsement deals. Until an ugly mistress turns up, the Lasik Eye Center is standing by him.
Oklahoma City residents were stunned to feel six earthquakes last weekend which struck central Oklahoma. The temblors woke everybody up early in the morning. The Sooner State hasn’t felt shaking like this since the legislature banned selling beer on Sundays.
The FBI reported a steep rise in the number of bank robberies in America over the past two years Friday. It makes perfect sense when you think about it. There were no bank robberies for eight years during the Bush administration because it was easier to simply walk in and get a loan.
Al Gore had a public school named after him in Los Angeles Monday which sits on contaminated soil. The ground is toxic and there’s an oil well across the street. However the boys’ locker room will have a masseuse as soon as she signs the confidentiality agreement.
Tony Blair canceled a book-signing appearance at a London bookstore Monday when anti-Iraq War protesters threatened to pelt him with eggs when he got there. He avoided an unwinnable situation by simply refusing to go in there. So you can teach an old dog new tricks.
John McCain told Fox News Sunday any tax cuts proposed by President Obama would be a deathbed conversion. He knows all about those. The anti-immigration-reform John McCain looked great after last week’s Senate primary win over the pro-immigration-reform John McCain.
President Obama gave a speech honoring Labor Day Monday in Milwaukee. The holiday has become a pretty grim occasion. Labor Day used to be a celebration honoring the American worker and today we pause to remember the Chinese who died sewing for our country.
President Obama gave a fiery speech to a union crowd in Milwaukee Monday where he lashed out at Republicans, saying that Republicans treat him like a dog. That’s so untrue. First of all, Republicans love their dogs, and second, all their dogs have papers.
President Obama’s new Oval Office rug, ringed by six quotes calling for the welfare of all, was found to be error-prone by author Susan Shelley Friday. The MLK quote wasn’t his and the Teddy Roosevelt quote was a defense of rich people’s rights. What’s worse, the rug faces Richmond, not Mecca.
The Labor Department reported last week that the U.S. economy lost three hundred thousand jobs last quarter. It’s affecting migration patterns. This year twenty percent of all college students decided to go to Mexico for Spring break, the rest went there for a new life.
North Korean leader Kim Jong Il held a meeting in Pyongyang Monday to anoint his son to be his successor on his death. Right now the father drinks two quarts of Cognac a day, takes Viagra and dates teenage girls. He’d like to retire to the front row of Laker games and sit with his peers.
White House staffers told CBS News Sunday they fear that a GOP Congress will investigate ACORN for fraud and the Black Panthers for voter intimidation if they take over the House this fall. No one knows what Obama can do to prevent a GOP landslide. This would be a really good time for Iran’s leaders to rent Wag the Dog.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.8.10

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